Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Macon, Georgia

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Macon, Georgia

Some feedback, please? Funnyman333 16:09, February 13, 2012 (UTC) Funnyman333 16:09, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

I'll shall do it.---   TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 05:38, February 16, 2012 (UTC) :I will do it, give me week or so, I really hate deadlines but I assure you I will do it. Mattsnow 02:17, March 2, 2012 (UTC) So sorry I won't be able to do it, I just have no inspiration... Mattsnow 18:48, March 3, 2012 (UTC)

Yea sure. Hate that place, so this should be fun. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   19:15, March 3, 2012 (UTC)

Christ, sorry, thinking about tests and forgot about this. Doing it now. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   22:55, March 5, 2012 (UTC)

Humour:	5	So first of, I'd like to say that I see potential in this article. You have some jokes that are on their way to being funny, but are just too under-developed. For example, calling Macon a communist neighborhood sounds funny, but you don't explain why, which makes the joke seem random. Also, this line, "This man, Theadore Macone [pr. May • CONE'], decided to make his city in the absolute middle of the state, so more people would come there, for he was a very greedy man who really only wanted popularity." The sentence looks to have potential of being funny, but kind of fails. Maybe something along the lines of, "This man, Theadore Macone [pr. May • CONE'], decided to place the city right in the middle of Georgia, so that no matter what a traveling family did, they would have to go through Macon and risk being enticed by Macon's two-story architecture and village-like lifestyle. This would result in the family becoming hypnotized and moving to Macon to live a quiet, lower-middle class lifestyle, which would bring Macone one family closer to Global domination." You could then relate this part to Macon being a communist city or whatever. Just an idea. "It will never be known what Theadore would have made Macon like, for he died shortly afterwards of intentional smoke inhalation." Why intentional? Perhaps I just didn't understand... "Like an amoeba, it formed a downtown area, and like bacteria, if formed residential areas." I did not understand the analogy. Perhaps you should use this analogy in the sentence after, "As Macon grew, other small towns, such as Roberta, came into existance, but they never grew due to Macon's growth." Maybe re-write it to be like, "Like a petri dish of bacteria, the citizens of Macon quickly divided into more and more Maconites, until the nearby smaller towns (Like the lost town of Roberta) were engulfed by the swarms of Maconites who quickly inserted their DNA and sometimes, RNA into the citizens of these towns and began the process of in-breeding." "The new towns soon were torn down by the Klu Klux Klan to make way for their secret hideouts, which they were running out of room to put, due to urbanization." This needs further expansion on whatever joke you were trying to put here. Not sure what the joke was, so I'll leave this one to you. "There are very few young people, as most of them have been killed or seriously injured in car wrecks caused by drunk driving." Another example of a joke you need to expand. Talk about why there is so much drunk driving; Perhaps all the young people drink to forget they live in Macon or because the city's water supply is purely alcohol or something. Just expand on the joke, you know? "Macon is also home to the largest copper dome in the world, built by King George III in 1788 as a hiding place for his vast collection of booze." This sentence is just random. You've already asserted the town was built in the 20th century, where did King George III come from?: I suggest getting rid of this sentence entirely. Overall, the main issue I am seeing is that you aren't capitalizing on your jokes and you need to expand the article a lot more for it to be worthy of reading. Try to avoid being too random, like with the King George III thingy and expand on your jokes and finish with a good punchline, don't just leave the joke flat. Expansion wise, why not have a section talking about the geography of the city, maybe with a map of its location in Georgia. Use the wikipedia article on Macon to get some idea for extra sections you could add when you've expanded the sections you already have to the brink. Maybe have a section about "Points of Interest," with only one place listed, or maybe a lot of really boring places that wouldn't be interesting to anyone. If you want, message me and I can check in on your work and make sure you're on the right track. Let's continue on!
Concept:	5	It's a promising concept, the city is terrible and is just asking for a satirical article to be written about it. Work on it a bit, expand the article and it will look infinitely better and get a higher score.
Prose and formatting:	5	Your prose is ok, didn't see any spelling errors, but I could be wrong about that. The thing that bothers me is the article is a little cut up, by which I mean you have a lot of sentences that need commas and not periods. These two for example, "He quickly drove them out. Then he started planning his city." This feels like it should be combined into one whole sentence, which would also improve the flow of the article. Look for those in the article and fix them up if you can. Also, utilize footnotes. In the Population section, you have one line, " nasty black people about (although there are actually more old white people like them)." Put that parenthesis at a footnote, which would use the < ref > </ ref > tag. Ask me on my talkpage if you need help with that. I would also suggest re-reading the article again to check for any spelling errors or grammar mis-usage. I always suggest this though, I wonder if anyone ever heeds it...
Images:	4	The only really funny picture you have is the downtown Macon one. I didn't get the humour behind the second picture, I'm pretty sure you could find a more bland picture of a city than that one. However, I do think you are on the right track, but you should try and vary it up a bit. Have some pictures of the town folk, maybe of a hillbilly or something, or a picture of a nightclub with like tow people with a caption like, "The bustling night-life of Macon." Just put some more images, vary it up a bit, and you'll do fine here. As I state before, expand the article a bit and then your potential for image ideas will expand also.
Miscellaneous:	4.5	A little more work, some dits here, some images there, and this article could be a lot better. Don't worry about the numbers or the colors, they are just symbols of uncyclopedia's oppressiveness against you, or something along those lines. Good luck!
Final Score:	23.5	So that's about it. Sorry for this being so late, I've been behind on reviews lately. Also, sorry if you find this review to be too short, kind of a short article so not much to say. Anyways, if you have any questions or comments, feel free to ask me on my talkpage and I'll get back to you over there. Anyways, good luck on your article!
Reviewer:	--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   21:35, March 10, 2012 (UTC)