Seeking improvement. Written while under JL.
Funnybony 
05:25, May 6
If no one takes this by the time I wake up tomorrow, I'll review it. Until then however I do not tag this in my name in order to prevent smiting from the banning gods!--Sirrah CatshirE Chess the Striker2117 05:03, May 9, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour:
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3.5
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At some points, this article is funny, and I like it. At many times, though, it falls short because of a variety of issues. Also, you need to focus more on your stated concept in the beginning or remove the statement that states that concept; it currently is quite confusing. And now, an indepth analysis:
- Lede: Take a look at my issues here in P+F before you do anything. So, the biggest issue here is formatting, but there is one problem with humor, I felt. The problem is that when you used the large words for the joke, I felt that it wasn't quite "out there" enough- it would help the joke if you made the things you say sound like they mean something but not really mean anything- it would be an ironic twist.
- What is jet lag?: There are two problems I see here, both with the same reason: relevance. The first line about "time warp vertigo" seems to have very little to do with the example. Is there any way you can change this line or change the example so it applies to it more? Also, what does the example have to do with the way the world is spinning? Also, the very last line- same thing, seems kinda random. No offense, but I can't even really understand that line.
- Primary symptoms Urgh, this is listy. The content isn't too bad, but the fact that it's so listy hurts it a lot. I seriously recommend you change that into a paragraph type format, because it would be better expressed that way, and it would be less ugly. Also, "loss of passport," - what does that have to do with jet lag? That needs to be explained; in paragraph form it could be. Same with the "impact" thing; what impact? As does "looking at travel advertisements from around the world" Why does jet lag cause this?
- Pictorial history of jet lag causing time-machines: See image suggestions, really.
- How to reduce jet lag: Ah, I would like this a bit more, because it really gets on topic. My problem is that it's still a list. I did find the beginning funny, but it needs to be in paragraph form...Also, although most of it is understandable and funny, you slip back into confusing text with "Don’t shoot airline shit or bull." "Don’t buy duty free at triple markup (idiot)." - What is duty free? If you don't explain it, then the joke is lost on people who don't know what it is. "Eat a Unicorn." Oh, that's random. I would suggest you remove that. The other parts of this end list aren't bad, but only the "sleep for 48 hours" thing really tickles my funny bone- is there any way for you to make them sound less like real suggestions, and more like humorous skewing? It feels as if some potential is missed here. Lastly, the "Iron Man II" seems a bit random and namedroppy- try to keep away from being so specific, and it makes it namedroppy, meaning you're mentioning things that have very little to do with your article. However, you could incorporate some idea into there to make it apply to your article. For example: "Watch Iron Man II; it will calm you down and remind you that life is not as action-packed as you believe." (That's stupid, don't use it, but it's to prove my point- namedrops don't have to be eliminated, just improved on based on your concept and other known parts based on the namedrop. It makes it funnier and the joke is clearer to more people.) Same thing applies to "Back In Black by AC/DC." - what does AC/DC have to do with jet lag? That's a trick question. You have to make it have something to do with it, if you want to keep that in the article. Also namedroppy in a different way: "mineral water". Why can you not just say water? You seem to have this problem in a couple places; you go overly specific where it is not needed.
- Appearance of jet lag I'll be blunt here and ask: what does this have to do with the appearance of jet lag? It talks about whether the methods are successful, but it doesn't give a reason why they are relevant to that concept. I really do like that picture though, and I think the concept there has potential, so I kind of want to keep and fix that section instead of getting rid of it altogether. So, the hell's kitchen link seems to reek of namedropping as well. I actually don't think there are many ways to incorporate this into your concept, so I would just get rid of it.
- Also see - I could do without the first person here, it doesn't seem to have much to do with anything. I would prefer this as just a list of links.
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| Concept:
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6
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Pretty good concept, but it has a few execution problems. See humor. I put all of my comment for concept elsewhere, but I do give concept its own score.
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| Prose and formatting:
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5
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So, I have quite a few suggestions for improvement here. It wasn't terrible, but there was quite a bit wrong. Here's the break down:
- Formatting: I'll be blunt; I really hate the formatting of the beginning. The top is hard to read due to what I like to call "over-formatting". The best way to solve this would be to move all of the stuff on the left (in the beginning) down, and separate it. Also in the beginning, the italicization of "a real bastard" seems really random, and puts emphasis where I don't think it's needed. Italicized text is everywhere, and it gets a bit annoying- maybe lighten some off a bit? When you used the username template, it worked fine for registered users, but when I logged out, it was <insert name here>. That ruined the joke. The best way to fix that in your case is to use you (copy the source of my writing in the edit box) so the joke still works. That presents it as "you" for IP addresses. So, after you get past the beginning, the formatting becomes a lot better, but the lists are a bit annoying- see humor. Lastly, putting all of your captions in quotes and italicizing all of them annoyed me because I'm anal. I don't really mind the quoting, but the italicization makes it harder to read.
- Prose:I felt your general prose actually hurt your article a bit. For example, when you said "all the way down to" you could have expressed that as simply "all the way to", because it would have been clearer. The effect of what you say is assisted by a shorter sentence. A lot of times you used sentences that were long- some a bit needlessly. You also slipped from an encyclopedic and professional tone to a first person, casual tone quite often in here, and this breaks the flow of the article to me. For example, when you say "SOB", it sounds quite like a regular conversation and not so much like an article.I would like it if you would use one type of tone and one only.
- A couple random grammar/prose errors I found: (in primary symptoms) "Hi! My same is HELPME!" - self explanatory. (in how to reduce jet lag)"Take a boat to meet them." - Meet who? (in appearance of jet lag) "hell-to-pay" - Three separate words, no need for the dashes. (in How to reduce jet lag) "Don't screw airline host, hostess, or pilot." You're missing a the after "screw". (In the ref list) "App available on iTunes" - iTunes is for music- that's not a music app. Replace "iTunes" with "iPhone" and you'll make it better.
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| Images:
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7
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In my reviews, a 7 for images means "Good images, OK captions". I think the best image is the "double yourself" one, and I also like the one with the brain. But anyway, about captions. I feel like there was some missed potential here. For example, in the "Pictorial history of jet lag causing time-machines" section, you put in what they looked like, but I felt a good caption would have helped you satirize them a bit better. I think the "fake informal" thing should go in the section header and the caption should be humorous. The caption in the "time travel donut" one would have been better if you had mentioned that in the article to me. For the last one, I feel like you could have been better off without saying "There are no bells"- especially since those are clocks, not bells ;).
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| Miscellaneous:
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5
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Overall score.
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| Final Score:
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26.5
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Now, don't be sad about this orange/yellow numbers. They mean that area needs work, but they don't mean "it's irredeemable". I feel like this could really benefit from some quite minor things, but it needs some major stuff too. I realize this review is "mess of ideas" and could be expressed a lot better, and I apologize if it makes no sense; it's 4 in the morning. And I actually think is a bit too short and not as good as my usual ones; but I'm sort of in a rush, so forgive me. So, the my main thoughts are:
- Improve the formatting in the beginning: Move some of the images, templates, etc. down.
- Remove the lists: Convert the lists into paragraph form.
- Fix namedroppy things: Make them fit in more with the concept, or just get rid of them.
- Don't change tone so much: Try to stay in either first person or third person.
Input those changes, and this will be quite a bit better. Good luck.
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| Reviewer:
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--Sir HELPME Talk (more? --> CUN ROTM NOTM Pleb USS Pees SK ) 09:24, May 9, 2010 (UTC)
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