Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Giant panda
Giant panda[edit source]
A rewrite I did for Der Unwehr, here is the older version. Indepth Please! Thanks!
WILL
YOU 333 19:10, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
- I'm in here now. 24 hours or so. --ChiefjusticeDS 23:59, December 21, 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 3 | OK, I see what you are trying to do with the humour and at a couple of points in the article your humour comes together in the way I suspect you want it to. However, these moments are quite scarce and a lot of the article needs some more attention from you. The first thing you need to do is step back and decide what you want to do with your article as it appears to be attempting to capture the feel of several differing styles and as a result your article feels confused in some places and incoherent in others. This is not aided by a lack of structure, what you should experiment with is methods of planning. I realise that planning can feel like deciding to make a sandwich and then getting out a white board, pens and calculator in order to analyse optimum filling amounts and the best butter to bread ratio divided by time taken to spread, while it does delay things it would ultimately lead to a more enjoyable sandwich, and the same logic can be applied to the planning process for your article. Decide what to talk about in each section, decide which jokes work and which jokes don't and which ones should be repeated. My guidance on this would be to establish one joke that you can repeat and then establish one main topic for each section, feel free to consult with other users about the ideas you come up with.
Beyond planning I would recommend that while you work you make use of HTBFANJS to analyse the suitability of the article to the humour that you are using. It struck me that you feel that the more jokes you use the better, while jokes are needed you should carefully consider which ones to use. To expand on this idea of joke types, your jokes are all very overt, a set up is clearly defined and as one is reading the joke they are aware that this is a joke, this is good in some instances but consistent use makes a reader feel that the writer prefers to avoid letting readers make their own assumptions and, worse, can lead to joke congestion and jokes rapidly becoming tiresome. The Kung-Fu Panda reference is a good example, not only is it a rather difficult joke to understand have you not seen the film but even if you have it feels out of place. If you want to incorporate it then try your best to do so in an appropriate manner. My biggest piece of advice on this is that you carefully read HTBFANJS, not because you can't write but because it is a brilliant resource for improving your humour. The type of humour you should be aiming to emulate is the type exemplified by this joke "They symbolize peace and freedom, something that humans in China will not have for a long time." This joke is subtle and uses real life information to make it's point; this joke was far and away my favourite part of your article and replicating it's style to some extent would prove invaluable to you. |
| Concept: | 4 | Again, the concept is good but the execution is lacking, you seem to be unsure whether to adopt a serious encyclopaedic tone or an informal first person one. Lines like the joke I mentioned above imply an encyclopaedic tone and I was hopeful that this would be the ultimate outcome, yet the start of your first section seems to veer towards the first person. My first thought was that you have come across the makings of a good running joke for your article. If you want to use the two different tones, usually something I discourage you could use them both and create a dialogue between the person narrating the article, whose tone is borne out by subtle humour and observations and someone who just thinks that "The Giant Panda is sooooo cute and cuddly, it would make you want to pet it, give it a hug, and take it home." This would require some work, but could be excellent if you can make it work. If you don't want to do this then I would recommend choosing a tone and sticking to it. |
| Prose and formatting: | 3 | I would dearly love to score you higher for this one but I hope you appreciate why I cannot. The first problem is your spelling and grammar, I have recommended the proofreading service to you before and have seen you do the same to others, I recommend that you make use of UN:PS as well. Equally, I would be happy to help you out myself, you need only ask. I will not detail the problems here, but will happily do so if you wish to fix this yourself. My other issue here is that the formatting could use some work. The first problem is that while you have split the article into sections, these sections however are just blocks of text which are difficult to read and not very appealing to a reader who glances at the article. The images could also do with being resized and spread out, you should make an effort to work at these problems. |
| Images: | 5 | Your images aren't too bad but you need to work at captions and tying your images to the text in the article. Try to make the images add to a joke, for example if you wished to make more of the Kung-Fu panda jokes then you would be well advised to get an image of the DVD and caption it intelligently, don't ignore the importance of captions to images, they are of vital importance. |
| Miscellaneous: | 4 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 19 | You have the foundations of a very solid article here but you need to work at it a bit more, use HTBFANJS and get as much advice as possible, it may help if you take a look at some Featured articles about similar subjects and try to adopt a similar style. I can see potential in your work but it has ways to go yet, remember that good writing practice is as important as good writing, you could write brilliantly and it would still feel mediocre if you didn't do the spelling and grammar properly, the two need to combine to produce something truly excellent. If you have any questions or comments for me then please leave them on my talk page. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 23:00, December 23, 2009 (UTC) | |