Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Frog Semen
Frog Semen[edit source]
So this was nommed for VFD a coupla days ago. I fixed it up, and I think it looks pretty good, but it could probably be better. EpicAwesomeness (talk) 10:06, October 8, 2011 (UTC)
- Arguably this article was beautiful before, but gimme 48 hours and I'll have a crack at it. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)
06:44, October 9, 2011 (UTC)
- Can't I'm afraid, IRL business come up. I am really sorry about this. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 06:07, October 10, 2011 (UTC)
- Can't I'm afraid, IRL business come up. I am really sorry about this. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!)
Righty. --EpicAwesomeness (talk) 16:48, October 28, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Hello Epic. How are you? I'd like to start by saying I really liked this article, but it needs a bit of work before I'd want to nom it for VFH. Still, nice work so far!
One of the biggest detractors in my view is the random humour. These predicable, tiresome jokes ruin what is otherwise a unique, intelligent article. For instance, the pointless reference to Marilyn Manson isn't very funny because it could be anyone. It could just as easily be Florence Nightingale or Robert De Niro and it wouldn't be any more or less funny. The bit where you say it can be used as a medicine is similarly stupid, because again you could just as easily say it makes a good floatation device. Get rid of sillier parts like this, as well as anything else that is irrelevant to your overall concept (ie. everything from the line "the semen has also sexually aroused children with its use of Human Horn" onwards). One thing that didn't work as well as it could were the "other ingredients" jokes. As above, a lot of them were too random (eg. Guy Pearce's hair grease). I would suggest you stick to things that are similar to frog semen (for example; bee vomit, crab urine), at least at first, then you can always progress slowly to the crazier stuff. I have similar worries about the joke where they take over George Bush. Parts of it made me laugh, but be careful as it could sound really random and silly if handled incorrectly. Try to focus more on how big corporations sort-of rule the world. Again, begin small and escalate; talk about the influence and power the Frog Semen corporation have, then crescendo with it taking over the government. |
| Concept: | 7 | It's a strong concept. I love the dry way you present this absurd concept, and I love the subtle parallels with Coca Cola. In fact this latter point is probably the article's biggest strength. Try to develop the coke parallel further, and keep it dry as you do in your best parts. Perhaps do a little more research on coke and its history; read its Wikipedia page and see how you can insert frog semen jokes. I would also recommend that you don't mention Coca Cola in the article itself, so that it seems more like Frog Semen is somehow Coca Cola. Also, you should come up with a better play on words than "Toadsi" if possible, as that wasn't immediately obvious. Finally, change it so that people prefer the taste of Old Frog Semen, as that sounds more likely and is also closer to what happened in real life with Coca Cola. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | The prose is good, just make sure to keep it dry and neutral. At the end you veer off into a bit of a rant and the encyclopaedic tone vanishes. Don't do this, stay consistent or else it looks sloppy and confusing. I like the irony that people are disgusted by eating corn syrup despite the fact that the main (only?) ingredient is frog semen, so perhaps play on this for your ending instead.
Apart from that, your prose/spelling/grammar/etc is really good. One line sticks out but that's it: The phrase "lower levels of... A Life" jars a little. Do you mean they do or they don't have a life? Just needs clearing up. |
| Images: | 5 | The ones you have are good but you could do with some more. I'd really like to see a picture of a coke-like can with Frog Semen photoshopped on it (in case you're not aware, such things can be requested here). This should be your main image because the picture of a frog is too generic. This is not an article about frogs. What else could you have pictures of? Hmm... Check the Wikipedia article on Coca Cola and see if that gives you any ideas... or Google Image Search. Might be an idea to have some businessy images... statistics and stuff. I don't know... Have a think. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7 | Overall feeling. |
| Final Score: | 34 | I just noticed I keep saying "you do this and you do that," but most of the bad stuff I'm complaining about is probably left over from the old version. Anyway, sort out the randomness and develop the Coke parallel and you should be on your way to having an excellent article. It's certainly one of a kind! Good luck with it, and I look forward to reading the finished version. If you hav any other questions or want me to look at anything I've missed then please let me know. I hope the review is ok. |
| Reviewer: | --Black Flamingo 00:09, November 13, 2011 (UTC) | |