Uncyclopedia:Featured articles/June 16

Hello son. Yes, you, my boy. I've seen you knocking on the doors of those people. Why is not important. So you say you've been brutally raping anyone who answers, but God forgives. Sodomy and murder are simply stepping-stones to be overcome. Well, I would like to help you with this. I do not know how to ask this of someone who's actually listening, so I suppose I'll just come out and say it. Do you know that the world is due to end soon? We said that many times, the last time in 1975. We were wrong before but we're sure we're right now.

No, no, my son. I asked if you accepted Jehovah, not the perverted message that has been filtered through thousands of years of pillaging, murder, corruption, and Apocrypha. No, their heretical teachings are a far cry from the true message of God. We Jehovah's Witnesses, unlike our foolish brethren, do not believe in such foolish things as trinity, gun control, and heavy laxative use. Instead, we preach about how we should all follow God through Jesus Christ. Intelligent Design is of course true because the Bible says so. In this, we are entirely separate and distinct from the Catholic Church. In fact, we are entirely different from any other form of Christianity. We believe that Jesus, eternally begotten of the father (God from God, light from light, true God from true God), died not on a cross but a torture stake, built not only from wood but from the sweat and tears of Vietnamese sweatshop workers. We believe that homosexuality is gay, premarital sex is homosexual, and doing or being either will require intense service to God. Please leave your trousers alone son. Premarital wanking is a sin. So is all wanking. However, only by following us can you gain this providence, as we are the true followers. As a side note, we do not accept gays into the Church. (Full article...)