UnScripts:Thot Patrol

Thot Patrol is part of

The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions

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Act 1: New York, 1776

Scene: Opens on great big city. People are walking around. In big letters: New York City, 1776. Camera shifts to a bar. Or a 'gentleman's club', if you prefer. Camera then zooms in and goes inside one of the private rooms revealing a man and a woman.

Woman: Hey baby, you like this?

Man: Just shut up and strip.

Woman: Are you sure you don't wanna do anything else?

Man: Just strip already!

Woman: Okay baby, whatever you like.

Woman takes off her clothes. Man likes it.

Woman: You like this?

Man: Oh yeah!

Man becomes Kool-Aid Man. Woman starts lap-dancing him. It's hawt. Camera zooms out and then zooms back in when its later in the night.

Woman: Are you satisfied, Papi?

Man (very exhausted): Ye-Y-Y-Yes.

Woman: Good.

Woman suddenly looks more evil.

Woman: Now I can take your soul.

Man: What? Oh no no no no no! You're one of them thots!

Woman: I am.

Man (obviously hysterical): Well then what are you waiting for?! Kill me already!! KILL ME!

Woman kills him. Camera opens on the outside of the 'club', following a man wearing a black coat and hat. He enters the club and goes to the manager.

Manager: How can I help ya today?

Hatman: Have you seen a brunette woman with a tall black haired man?

Manager: Yeah, they are in the private rooms. Something wrong?

Hatman: Not for long.

Hatman goes into the room to find the man dead. The woman is gone. Hatman doesn't seem fazed.

Hatman: Thots. They strike again.

Hatman gets up.

Hatman: I need to contact the Thot Patrol.

Screen goes black with some epic music. The title slowly appears in gold letters.

Act 2: Harlem, New York. Present Day.

Camera follows a 18 year old black kid walking down the streets of Harlem. He stops at a store, goes to get some food, then turns to the cashier.

Cashier: Hi William, nice weather isn't it?

William: The fuck you mean? It's raining like hell out there!

Cashier: Hey! I'm just trying to make conversation. What's your problem anyway?

William: Sorry, I just got fired from my job. They said I wasn't following their safety policy. I mean, sure, I beat up a few co-workers, but they had it coming!

Cashier: Ah, white people. Always with their safety policy. That's how I got fired from my last job. Don't feel too good, but whatever. I'm happy here. Also, that'll be $12.50

William: Well good for you.

William give the man his money and turns to leave when suddenly, his eyes start glowing and his head starts hurting. Once it stops, the cashier looks at William with big, concerned eyes.

Cashier: Hell William, you good?

William: I think so...

Cashier: Well fuck man! That was some wild shit! Your eyes glowed like the devil was in ya.

William: Yeah I'm fine now. I don't know what that was though. Hey check it out!

William and the cashier turn to look at some really pretty girl.

Cashier: Typical William, always lookin' to finally lose it. You still a virgin, right?

William: Well if this works, then I won't be for long.

William leaves to follow the girl outside. He starts to follow the girl and notices that there are some other people following her. One group of rough looking people, and another person wearing a black suit and black sunglasses. William follows the girl until the rough looking guys get her into an alley way.

Rough Guy 1: Hey lady, how 'bout you strip for us?

Rough Guy 2: Yeah, we promise we'll be gentle.

Rough Guy 1: Unless you fight back. Then we would have to kill you, and we don't wanna do that.

Rough Guy 3 pulls out a knife, purely for the emphasis. William contemplates helping the girl but before he can act, the girl starts fighting all three guys. The girl breaks Rough Guy 1's legs and Rough Guy 2's arms. She stabs Rough Guy 3 with her razor-sharp fingernails and rips out his spleen. Before they all die, she starts sniffing and the souls of the three men get snuffed out of their bodies.

William (whispering in awe): WTF!

The girl somehow notices him and starts walking towards him. Suddenly, the man in black appears with a strange gun. He fires it and the girl gets launched back into the wall of the alley. She then escapes before the man in black can do anything else.

Man In Black: Shit! I almost bagged one!

William: Excuse me, but do you mind telling me what the fuck is going on?

Man In Black: You weren't supposed to see that.

William: Well I did. So, explain what happened!

Man In Black: Okay, listen. I'm an agent of the GRTP.

William: The what?

Man In Black: The Government Run Thot Police. That girl was a thot. I was sent to capture her.

William: What the hell is a thot?

Man In Black: It's a creature that lures people in sexually. They then take the people's souls. Bad creatures.

William: You sayin' that there's a whole fucking branch in the government made to take out these creatures? Is that what they use our taxes for these days?!

Man In Black: Yes. No. I don't fucking know! I'm a low ranking agent! This mission was supposed to boost my rank! Okay. Okay, I know what to do. So, you know too much information. I'm gonna need to bring you to my base, okay?

William: But wouldn't that be exposing more information?

Man In Black: Fuck off! It's for the plot, okay? Besides, I'm gonna blindfold you.

William: Fine then. Oh, I'm William by the way.

Man In Black: Cooper.

William: Okay then, hi Cooper. Hey, is there anyway you could, oh I don't know, not take me to your base?

Cooper: Ha! Just get in the car.

William gets in the car. Cooper puts a blindfold over him. The car drives off. Fade out.

GRTP Base Zeta.

Act 3: GRTP Base, Present Day.

Black car drives up to the base. It goes in after giving identification to the gate. Car rolls up to the parking area, which is in the middle of everything.

Cooper: Alright, we're here.

Cooper take the blindfold off William.

William (whispering in awe): Wow. It's amazing.

Cooper: Eh, you'll get used to it. Assuming they don't wipe your memory.

William: Wait what?! I thought you said I could simply take an oath to not say anything!

Cooper: Never said that. Besides, you might not get your memory wiped. They might throw you in a cell.

William: That's not helping!

Cooper: Never said it was going to.

Cooper turns to walk away into a building, when he stops and turns to William.

Cooper: You coming?

William (muttering under his breath): Not like I have a choice...

William and Cooper enter the building. Cooper leads William into a room with a control panel asking for identification. Cooper walks up to the panel.

Cooper: Private Cooper Jones, access code 12345.

Security Robot Voice: Access granted. Have a nice day.

Cooper: Come on, William.

William: Yeah, okay.

William and Cooper step into the elevator that opens up and go to the top floor. They wait while the elevator takes them up to the top floor. Elevator music is the old Spider Man theme song.

William: So, what should I except?

Cooper: A bunch of rich white dudes that are corrupt. If they see any use whatsoever in you, then you'll join our ranks. If not, either a memory wipe, or the more likely solution, imprisonment.

William (with touch of sarcasm): Okay, wow. Just great.

The elevator door opens to, surprisingly, a group of rich white dudes. They all look pretty mad.

Rich White Dude 1: Private Jones, I see you failed to capture a thot, but managed to get a little "friend".

William apparently wants to kill this first white dude.

Cooper: Yes sir. But the thot somehow knew...

Rich White Dude 2: We don't care for your excuses. We already made a decision. You and this "friend" of your will both be imprisoned.

William: Hold up.

Cooper (muttering): Oh, god.

William: Why do you keep raising your fingers every time you say "friend"?

Rich White Dude 3: Because no smart white man would be friends with your kind.

William: My kind? My?! Kind?!

Cooper instantly tries to hold William back. It doesn't work.

William: You wanna say that again, cracker barrel?! Huh?! You wanna say that to my face?!

Rich White Dude 1: Well, I believe you have just earned a more severe punishment. To death with thee.

William: Oh, shit.

Suddenly a thot breaks through the window holding a violin, on which it starts playing "Pop Goes the Weasel". William's eyes glow again and he rushes towards the thot with insane speed. He grabs the gun and fires at the thot with speed and accuracy. Everyone looks stunned. Williams eyes stop glowing.

Cooper: Where in the hell did you learn to do that?

William: Do what?

William looks around and realizes what happened.

William: Holy shit! Did I do that?

Cooper: Yeah, Steve Urkel, you did! What's gotten into you, anyway?

William: I dunno. Seems every time I hear that "weasel" tune, everything goes black...

Rich White Dude 1: Well shit. Okay, because of that display of amazingness, and for the sake of the plot, you and Cooper won't be imprisoned. Instead you will both be promoted to Specialist, First Class.

Cooper: YEAH!!!! Oh yeah!!! WOOT!!!

William: Yeah I mean that's great and all. But am I the only one that wonders why this thot chose to attack just now?

Everybody suddenly becomes aware of a low level ticking sound. All eyes turn to the previously ignored violin, seemingly laying harmlessly on the floor. The violin gradually begins to glow red.

Cooper: Oh, cra----------

Act 4: Thot Base, Present Day.

Cut to a scene featuring a large smoking crater. "THE END" flashes on the screen, dripping with blood. Roll credits.