UnNews:Woman goes beserk after watching one too many inane feminine hygiene commercials
27 September 2007
LARYNX, Oklafuckinghoma -- A Mrs. Jennifer Fetchett was subdued by local and state police and National Guard units following a three hour rampage through what might laughingly be called "downtown" Larynx, Oklahoma.
"It was the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed", said Matilda Langensheiss of nearby Dog Pressure Creek. "At first it started with a clattering sound coming from the other end of the alley," she said, motioning to a narrow opening between her employers building and a beauty parlor. "Then the screaming... that wretched, horrible screaming. And out she comes from the launderette, all full of Hell fire and vinegar."
UnNews will cover the aftermath once the she's done destroying anything she can get her hands on. Says Dr. Gregary Rhine of the Rhine Institute, "We figure she'll taper off when she starts menstruating. It's a well established fact that blood loss during menstration causes fatigue, muscle soreness, and mental deterioration. Of course, we study paranormal abilities in humans, so we know all about this sort of mystical stuff."
- Vince Whirlwind "Oklahoma; even the name sounds funny" Rolling Stone Magazine, September 27, 2007