UnNews:Whedon to "homosexualize" Marvel Comics

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13 February 2007

Rawhide Kid, the first of many Marvel comics characters to abandon the closet

NEW YORK, NY - Marvel Comics has hired Hollywood wunderkind Joss Whedon to “homosexualize” their characters. Producer Joel Silver’s recent falling out with Whedon over his attempt to depict DC Comics’ Wonder Woman as a lesbian led to Whedon’s sudden departure from the Warner Bros. project he’d been hired to write and direct because of what Whedon termed “creative difficulties.”

“Their loss is our gain,” Marvel’s editor-in-chief Joe Quesada said. In a desperate attempt to ward off bankruptcy by making the archaic medium of printed comics seem relevant in the computer age’s electronic production and distribution system, Marvel has turned to controversial social and political issues, including multiculturalism and, more recently, homosexuality. “We’re queer, we’re here, and we’re not going away anytime soon,” said Quesada. “Get used to it.”

Marvel’s first character to “go gay” was the Rawhide Kid, a Western gunfighter who discovered his homosexuality in the 2002 issue of the series, Slap Leather. Since then, many other comic book characters, especially at Marvel’s rival, DC Comics, have come out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, including Element Lad, Extrano, Go Go Fiasco, Obsidian, Off-Ramp, Josiah Power, Pied Piper, Tasmanian Devil, Batwoman, Catwoman, Tenee Montoya, Inspector Maggie Sawyer, Lightning Lass, and Shrinking Violet.

“Marvel introduced homosexuality in comics, leading the way, as usual,” Quesada said, “but now we find ourselves in the embarrassing predicament of having to play catch up with our biggest competitor. It‘s like the space race all over again. We put Sputnik in orbit, but DC has put a man on the moon.”

Despite his marriage of convenience to transsexual Kai Cole, Whedon is seen as not only “gay friendly,” but as “overly friendly,” Hollywood insiders claim. “He’s a closeted homosexual,” Sarah Michelle Gellar, who starred as the title character in Whedon’s television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, said. “Everybody knows that.”

Whedon plans to “overhaul” all the major Marvel characters. “By the time I’m done, The X-Men, The Fantastic Four, The Amazing Spider-man, The Incredible Hulk, The Mighty Thor, and the rest of the Marvel universe will be gay. However, as usual, I’m going to start with the ladies, so you can expect to see plots that depict such Marvel hotties as Sue Storm, the Invisible Woman; the Scarlet Witch; Madame Medusa and Crystal, of The Inhumans; Thor’s wife, Sif; Spidey’s Mary Jane; and She-Hulk discovering their bisexual or lesbian identities and taking appropriate or, in some cases, inappropriate action.”

Gay Comics will showcase the many changes to Marvel character's sex lives

Promising nothing less than "a complete makeover" for Marvel's major characters, Whedon plans to make so many changes to their sexuality that the company is planning to launch a new title, Gay Comics, just to keep tabs on the developments.

“Homosexuality, especially among lesbians, is hot in Hollywood right now,” Quesada said, “so it should do well with our magazines, too.”

The reaction among Marvel’s fans is mixed. “I just can’t see the Human Torch making out with Spider-man,” 10-year-old Agatha Chambers said. Her 12-year-old brother, Malcolm, said, “But I can see Sue Storm in a lip lock with Electra.”

Parents want to see a return to the “normal” sex and violence that comic books used to depict. “Where are the decapitations, the dismemberments, the bodies plunged in acid?” the Chambers’ children’s father, Ralph, asked.

“Where are the cute, cuddly 'funny animals' like Daphne Duck, Petunia Pig, and Pep Le Pew?" his wife, Pamela, asked. "They weren‘t trying to shag somebody else in every other panel of their strips--well, except for Pepe, maybe.”

If the “homosexualization” of Marvel Comics succeeds as well as Quesada and Whedon believe it will, the comic book company will next “experiment with bestiality”, Quesada said.

“They’ll have to hire someone else for that, though,” Whedon said. “I draw the line at animal abuse.”

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