UnNews:War on Terror all done, US confirms

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18 June 2013

The English word Taliban is far removed from the Pashto طالبان and is thought to have been coined by CIA agents, inspired by the X-Men character Caliban.

The US is to open direct peace talks with the Taliban, senior White House officials have announced, claiming that the War on Terroris "all done".

"It was really horrible wasn't it?" said spokesman Dan McLusky. "That whole first decade. Wow, there was a lot of terror. Really terrible days. Do you remember when they flew those planes into New York? And Saddam Hussein? Terrifying stuff. Glad that's all over with."

At the G8 summit in Belfast, President Obama hailed the day as, "the most important yet of this century." Back in the US, members of both main parties were seen embracing in the Houses of Congress. Republican Senator for Alaska Mark Begich wiped away tears as he told us, "This is the first day in 10 years where I am not absolutely fucking terrified. I will wake up tomorrow morning, the sun will be shining, and my bed will be dry as a bone."

Background

The war began in late 2001, as President George W. Bush sought a coherent response to the waves of grief caused by the 9/11 attacks. Americans were initially wary of a war with Afghanistan, and a large scale survey showed that most citizens linked the country to the wordsRussian, Communist, Nuclear War, and Badness. The media in the west had to be updated on the current state of play, and early reports suggested that the Taliban were beastly, but in a typically chauvinist, religious, backwards kind of way, with little to get your teeth into.

"He knows when you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake," (translation from an old Kurdish folk song).

The invasion of Iraq in 2003 gave the cause some juice, with over 64% of Oprah Winfrey viewers claiming that they believed Iraq was "possibly" or "probably" at the heart of all their terror. Saddam Hussein's capture in December 2003 was, on the surface, a great fillip for the war effort, but the former dictator's appearance - that of a kind of Arabic Santa Claus - melted many Americans' hearts, and much news footage of the war had to be mixed in with scenes from Indiana Jones before public opinion was swayed and the Bush administration sanctioned his phoned-filmed hanging.

With everything cleaned up in Iraq, the war's focus turned back to Afghanistan, but by 2009, even President Obama had forgotten what it was all about. "We need to be there to do the thing, you know, the thing with the Taliban," he announced, before sending a "surge" of 68,000 anti-terror experts - all fluent in Pashto and Dari - to the country to read children bedtime stories, mediate in disputes between clans, direct traffic on dangerous roads and walk old ladies home from the market.

Brendan Fraser

Joanna Corey, best-selling author of the book, Wait, Why are we in Afghanistan again?, explained the delicate nature of the peace talks. "The first weeks will mainly be used to explore each other's agendas, because no one remembers what the Taliban wants. For his part, Obama has said that he wants them to do three things: one, renounce violence - which will be a toughie, because they've probably really gotten used to it in the last 10 years; two, break ties with al-Qaeda, which shouldn't be so hard, because al-Qaeda is now to terrorism what Brendan Fraser is to Hollywood acting. Remember Brendan Fraser?

"And number three is to respect the Afghan constitution - including the rights of women and minorities. This one might be the most difficult of all, because deeply ingrained in Taliban culture is the idea that a woman's place is in the home, and that the home should have no books in it. And that her face should be covered. And that you should cut her hands off if she plays guitar."

Sources

• Leverage, "US to open direct Taliban talks" BBC, June 18, 2013