UnNews:UnNews remembers Stephen Hawking

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Thursday, March 15, 2018

January 8, 1942 — March 13, 2018

UnNews is shocked and saddened to learn that Professor Stephen Hawking has died at the age of 76. In a year in which the following happened, we can't afford to lose Hawking:

  • Donald Trump is President.
  • The so-called President had an affair with a porn star. Although Trump only got "sloppy seconds" (or thirds) after various Kennedys and Clintons.
  • Trump colluded with Russia to rig the election, and is actively trying to cover it up. The entire GOP is complicit.
  • Gillian Anderson is leaving The X Files after 25 years. Anderson will debut on the Y Files next season and will shave her head and grow a handlelbar mustache for the roll, having vowed to "keep going until each letter of the alphabet has had a program."
  • Teflon Don and Little Rocket Man are planning to meet in May, if Donny doesn't get impeached first.
  • We're just now fighting for gun control, almost 20 years after Columbine. Why did it take 5 billion school shootings to say, "Enough is enough"? It remains an obstacle for anti-gun advocates that at least fifty percent of the country's citizens are gun owners few of whom have participated in illegal gun use, and who obstinately refuse to acknowledge that there have been "5 billion" school shootings based on the alleged "fact" that population of the country is somewhat less than this total number of claimed school shootings.
  • Trump wants a Space Force. The interest of both Democrats and Republicans are piqued by this concept as leaders of the parties are hoping that if Trump is given an impressive uniform he may be wiling to lead a force into space, possibly to the moon or even beyond.
  • Trumps interest in arming teachers may be part of his well known belief that schools may be a target of alien invaders. It is to be noted that Mr. Trump has indicated a reverance for the "fact based" film Spaceballs!
  • Winchester from M*A*S*H died leaving behind his codpiece, Alan (Hawkeye Pierce) Alda.
  • A Democrat won a special election in solid-red Pennsylvania Disctrict 18.
  • Showtime at the Apollo booed Richard Pryor's son for making Trump-Putin jokes, even though they were funny. #SorryNotSorry.

When Professor Hawking was diagnosed with ALS (a.k.a. Lou Gehrig's Disease) at the age of 21, he was given two years to live. He defied all odds, which remains a medical mystery to this day, and became one of the greatest minds in human history. He came to prominence in the science/physics community in the 70s and wrote the book, A Brief History of Time, in 1988. He followed it up with A Brief History of Money, Us and Them, and The Great Gig in the Sky. This led to a guest appearance on Pink Floyd's song "Keep Talking" from their 1994 album, The Division Bell.

Professor Hawking did a bunch of other cool shit. He may even have created the Universe (Sorry, Al Gore). His awesome badass life was chronicled in the film The Theory of Everything, which won Eddie Redmayne an Oscar. Hawkins was impressive to the end as it is rumored that Hawkins "died in the saddle."

Stephen Hawking
January 8, 1942 — March 13, 2018


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