UnNews:Stephen Hawking warns extraterrestrials may be "too tasty"

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26 April 2010

Stephen Hawking suggests that a typical alien life form cannot walk as we can, and might require electronic assistance to communicate with humans.

LONDON, England -- British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking warns that our first contact with an alien species might be too dangerous, because extraterrestrials may be "too tasty."

In a new documentary on The Discovery Channel entitled Stephen Hawking's Kitchen, Mr. Hawking cites Christopher Columbus's voyages to America. "That didn't turn out too well for the bison, did it?" says the scientist. Mr. Hawking goes on to say that mankind's contact with pigs, cows, and chickens turned out disastrously for these alien life forms. Although it has been scrumptious for us.

By implication, President and Mrs. Obama, who have been nagging Americans recently about eating salt, grease, and sugar, might have a really huge task on their hands getting us not to eat space aliens, whenever the dozens of billion-dollar federal radiotelescopes finally catch one.

Exploration and colonization, incidentally, have also been disastrous for indigenous human populations. "Happily," continues Mr. Hawking, "before we slit the throats of the Aztecs, we got their recipes." He dismisses the risk that aliens might find us tasty. "Humans simply don't taste good. And, we pretty much know how to defend ourselves."

UnNews plans to simulcast the Hawking documentary, because it sounds like total bollocks.