UnNews:US to fight robot uprising
Friday, August 25, 2017
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Trump today help a press conference which was broadcast all across the USA... After being rocked with terrible events and blunder after blunder, a Trump press conference should of been the comedy event of the century but for Trump, it was no laughing matter. Standing at the podium with his posture bent and his eyes wide open; he told the American people that there was a secret robot uprising happening and that the US had to fight back against it.
| “ | We have discovered a threat that is worse than terrorism, that threatens to destroy the very America we have worked so hard to make great; they have been building up their numbers in secret, growing more and more everyday until they became strong enough to strike back and destroy these United States. This isn't a threat that can be reasoned with nor feel any compassion; this is a threat that's robotic in nature. | ” |
He then went on about the details provided by the FBI and the CIA, saying that these robots had traveled back in time from a future where there is a human resistance fighting against a computer AI overlord and have infiltrated every sector from science, technology, government, theater groups, coffee shops and local politics; even claiming that they are living normal, non-interesting lives among us as we speak. He then said that their ultimate goal is to create this "computer AI overlord" so it can launch nuclear missiles and take over the world.
The US government has authorized the use of lethal force against these robots and have ordered the US Army, Navy, Marines and SEAL teams to fight this robot uprising ditching whatever commitments they had in fighting the war in Afghanistan or protecting foreign countries from danger. Civilians will have a chance to fight the robot uprising as weapons will be airlifted to them in areas where robots are likely to attack including states like Oklahoma and cities like Macon, Georgia. Trump did not give out any other states or cities for fear the robots might be gathering information right at this moment.
While no information was provided to the public about what the robots would look like. UnNews has utilized it's underground connections with government officials (which cost us a lot of ad money, you're fucking welcome!) in order to gain what appears to be a slide showing what they look like and describing situations in where they may shoot.
He then brought out what appeared to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator while saying it was actually Arnold Schwarzenegger himself. He then went on the podium and proceeded to do a routine that though funny, contradicted everything Trump had intended to do or say.
| “ | Yo's. I am the Arnold Schwarzenegger; I hear my bestest friend Trump will do anything to stop this robot uprising and as The Terminator I'm here to show support. I brought me two shotguns and I'll aim it at the robots and I'll go... *impersonating shotgun sounds* and then I'll be like, "you's been terminated" and then I'll fire more shotguns like *impersonating shotgun sounds but more annoyingly* and I'll show the robots who's boss. Then when the robots come I'll be like "get in tha choppah"! and I'll be like *impersonating more fucking annoying shotgun sounds* and when I'm out of shotguns I'll take out my machine gun and say "say hello to mah little friend!" and then I'll be like *why won't he stop making gun noises? he isn't even good at it* and I'll stick on the ground because you knows, I'm The Terminator and I'll flex my bods and be all like *makes noises that sound like he's having a seizure* and when I aim my shotgun at the last robot standing I'll be like... "you's been terminated, say hello to mah little friend" and I'll go *why the fuck is this guy even an Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator; he clearly sucks at it!*. | ” |
That routine got standing ovation for about 20 minutes or so which clearly angered Trump by the looks of his face captured by the cameras.
After the applause, he then stood on the podium and delivered the last few lines of his speech.
| “ | America is always under constant threat whether it's from foreign countries who want to use us to immigrants who want to cause trouble on the streets to these homeless dirtbags who are responsible for all of america's crimes. The people who built up these United States of America put in blood, sweat and tears to ensure that America would be great and all of it is being threatened due to some robots who don't understand how far we've come. Us humans built all of this; those statues which have historical value, our government which is far and incorruptible and our economy which is the best economy in the whole US of A and to let these robots who have implemented social security, elected Obama to the office of president and introduced the notion of "civil rights" take over the United States is an affront to the values of the United States of America! We must not let them take away our 2nd amendment, we must fight back! | ” |
Those last few lines drew applause, cheer and praise that made the room feel like a nightclub on a Saturday.
News organizations, cable news channels, newspapers, basically anything that reported the news expressed disgust and shock over what had happened. A lot of coverage was devoted to talk about how Donald Trump could get away with what is essentially genocide and how much Donald Trump could get away with in the future; with contributors and guests expressing in detail how this sets back society by decades and how humanity was were doomed from the start.
One particular guest was Arnold Schwarzenegger who yes, was the real deal... Despite his disastrous run as California governor, he had a couple of choice words for Trump; calling him a "failure to his party, failure to America, failure to humanity and a failure to anybody who ever believed in him".
Everybody on the social media sites were quick to discredit anything that wasn't positive towards the fight against the robot uprising as "fake news", claiming the opinions stated were merely "attacks on a president who's doing the best job of any president in history"; several went on to shame CNN for hiring a "Arnold Schwarzenegger impersonator, and a bad one at that" despite evidence to the contrary.
In an attempt to get differing opinions from the Twitterverse, we couldn't find much... In fact this was the only tweet worth posting.
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| Before @realDonaldTrump recreates the genocide, can I please get 800,000 followers? I would like to end my career on a highnote. | ||||
| 25 Aug 2017 | ||||
  50,002  511,008
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It appears that response to this is universally positive across the board according to what we can find on the internet but as masters of deception ourselves, we couldn't believe anything we found on the internet. In fact we're disappointed that many of them have taken our misinformation techniques and used them for harm.
The best advice we can give people against the upcoming genocide being done by a white supremacist president we thought we could make fun of for 8 years is this...
- If you live in an area where the racial markup for your race is the highest, you will be targeted first.
- Make the city look abandoned as fuck, like they all fled to Canada or Mexico.
- Play dead, use a lot of fake blood as possible. They won't shoot you if you think you're dead and they may even believe one of the other soldiers did it.
- If you're in the face of a white supremacist with a gun, claim that you voted Trump and supported their ideals. Make up a story about how you bullied a Jewish boy as a kid.
- Litter your cities with traps. They're the same military that lost the Iraq war, they'll fall for them 100%.
- The US has nuclear missiles at it's arsenal. Don't wait for them to fire it on your cities; hack into the US government and fire those nuclear missiles at Washington D.C.; better them than you right?
- Infiltrate a white wing supremacist group until they give you a gun, then aim it and kill every person in that group.
- Don't trust anybody. The alt-right has made it impossible for people to determine the truth anymore and if somebody says they're not a nazi and they are a nazi then boy are you fucked.
For those loyal readers, those passing by and those who believed in the president so much that he let you down; good luck and god speed. The white-supremacists aren't the human resistance group, we are and we shall defeat the evil that is SkyNet.
Note to any white supremacy alt-righter reading this; we have hacked your computer and infected it with a virus while you were reading this and at this moment we're collecting data on not only you but your comrades right now. Just goes to show we're serious about fighting fascism, think next time before you try to gain the upper hand.