UnNews:UN body urges manufacturing reforms to stave off ink crisis
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 April 2008
A UN body today called on world leaders to urgently reform and improve their manufacturing rules to boost the world's (and more specifically, the UN's) supply of ink, a lack of which, the body says, would result in numerous threats to international security and usage of pencil when writing letters, which never comes out well in photocopies [1].
Riots in Haiti, Pakistan and The Philippines concerning lack of ink and problems with office equipment in general have brought the issue to a mainstream level, and calls for immediate action have gathered momentum. Pen ink prices have increased over 300% since the turn of 2008, and China's increasing consumption of every living thing on Earth has only exacerbated problems.
The International Association for the Assessment of Pigmented Liquids (IAAPL) have today released a study, with the backing of several major ink companies, that says simply;
| “ | We need more ink. | ” |
When pushed for further comment, Professor David Watson of the IAAPL and Professor at Defra University told UnNews;
“Business as usual would mean more environmental degradation and discontent within the world of office worker and wage slaves everywhere. The recent riots in impoverished countries, such as Tibet [2], have shown that many people are upset about lack of office supplies, such as refills, rulers, and those little coloured sticky notes that you can have embroidered with your initials or "From The Pen Of..." on. Oh, I love those.”
Professor Watson has been unavailable for comment since his statement, and the Chinese government has claimed that they did not know who Prof. Watson was, or his address and postal code, despite the fact that no one had asked [3].
One Tibetan monk, whom we spoke to in private, was quoted as saying;
“Y'know, I can take the beatings and the religious repression and the living in constant fear of the Red Gaurds, but how on earth am I meant to post my drawings on me DeviantArt with no ink for my pens? Use tablets? I trust those fuckers as far as I can throw them.”
The UN has claimed in recent weeks that the ill will between Iran and the US could have been defused if only the office's printer hadn't run out. The report claimed that John from accounting, the cunting idiot, was to blame as it was his weekly task to order the ink to keep the UN "floating on a sea on ink". Although he has apologised, the report still blames him, and has accused John of smoking pot and living with his mother.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- A Fucking Oracle "New report states the fucking obvious" The Grauniad, April 15, 2008
- Anti-Chinese Propaganda "Everyone knows it's not a country, DUH!" BreakingNews.ie, April 14, 2008