UnNews:Ty Pennington makes offensive comments, blueprint on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition

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10 December 2006

Inside sources inform us the movie Ty was thinking of was "The Goonies"

HICKORY CREEK, Texas -- In what's been the edgiest episode of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition so far Ty Pennington made a number of remarks that have been called "judgemental", "thoughtless" and "crass" by a number of television critics that just wrote this article.

The episode started in the usual manner, with host/lead designer Ty Pennington waking up the Bronson family and sending father Fred Bronson, wife Emily, daughter Fran and developmentally disabled son Gregory on a week long trip to Disneyland while the Extreme Makeover team refurbished their house. The crew spent the first day of the week removing the water damaged drywall and carpet of the Bronson residence but on the second day things took a cruel turn.

"Gregory has a lot of special needs." explained Pennington "He's a big kid with a rare form of mental disability and he's growing to big for this old house, especially his head. I mean what the fuck is going on up there. It's lopsided too. He reminds me of that freak from that movie. That one where the kids are looking for the treasure, what the fuck was it's name?"

Ty's design plan started as "...someplace dark, with a thick door that has a solid lock on it..." and "...some sort of slide away shutter so you can toss him his daily bucket of gruel..." Lead carpenter Paige Hemmis suggested digging a oubliette below the basement but Ty opted to convert most of the basement into a "tard hole" with frosted glass brick sections to allow some natural light while hiding the Bronson's secret shame.

"It seems like a good idea in case they need to expand. I mean Fran's a cute kid but it looks like there's a few extra twists in her DNA. I'll bet mister and misses Bronson are cousins or something and Emily's not done popping out kids from that sideshow tent she calls a vagina."

"I'll bet Fran has webbed feet." added Ty "That's probably why she wanted a mermaid themed bedroom."

The rest of the neighborhood pitched in to build the inner wall of the basement in time to assure that Gregory, secretly called "Cretinstein" by the populace of Hickory Creek, doesn't have a chance to rampage through the town with his horrible disfigurement and crazy retard strength. Interior designer Daniel Kukan assured them the imported Scandinavian granite would be attractive and impervious to Gregory's attempts to escape into the overworld and frighten the normals.

Wider doors and hallways are also in the plans to accomidate Fred's enormous ass, a wet bar and imitation hardwood floors, because Emily can't keep a clean carpet to save her life.

Sources

• Kaylor Bailey "Ty Takes on Tard in Texas" Entertainment Weakly, Mmmmm Mm, GOOD