UnNews:Trump opens hardware chain along Mexican border

Saturday, January 28, 2017

The homely logo of the hardware store chain has reassured many Mexicans, who had an unsubstantiated fear that the President wanted to burn every single one of them alive.

Donald Trump has become the first American president to open a chain of hardware stores in Mexico - and he has opted to have them all located curiously close to the Mexican side of the US-Mexico border.

Trump, who had only recently confirmed his intentions to build a wall along the border, seems to be attempting to appease locals by offering great deals on ladders, shovels, and tunneling equipment.

One customer, Ismael Zambada García, proudly showed UnNews his shopping cart full of discounted goods. "Look at this fifty-foot stepladder!" he remarked, "In Walmart-o, this costs three times as much!"

Republicans are said to be bemused by the renegade President's latest act, as selling Chinese-made products to Wops violates several key principles of rugged individualism. However, as one of our insiders confided: "The message going out in the party is: this is not the time for rocking the boat. Further down the line, if he does something completely outrageous or stupid, we will resist. But we are talking end of 2020, 2021."

UnNews political analyst Joanna Corey, who assured us with a wink that she has "sampled more than my fair share of Mexican hardware", had a different idea: "I think the wall is an empty symbol of resistance to appease the bookless, mayonnaise sandwich-eating masses. You know, the arsenal-building, not-on-my-land, flag-waving, U-S-A-whooping, Bud-drinking, suit-pants-and-white-sneaker-wearing hordes. The NPR-hating, covert-racist, bumper sticker-buying, electric chair-loving plebs...

"Where was I? Oh, yes - Trump knows that the locals will simply seek a way under or over it - so he has decided to make a buck in the meantime by selling them the tools to do it."

When we called the White House to make the allegation, the spokesman refused to comment, but did not deny further claims that Mr Trump has set up an airline flying rich refugees from Syria to Cuba, as well as opening a canoe shop in Havana.

Sources

• Leverage "Trump suspends US refugee programme and bans Syrians indefinitely" BBC, January 27, 2017