UnNews:Trump impeached, Christmas cancelled
Thursday, December 19, 2019
NORTH POLE -- Now that Donald Trump has been impeached in the House of Representatives, every Christian's favorite jolly old elf (no, not Jeff Sessions) has announced that Christmas is cancelled this year.
Santa Claus said during a press conference immediately after the final votes were tallied, "The world already got what it wanted for Christmas anyway. My God, this guy was giving me a headache! I only got to skim my list once. I barely made a damn list, I've been so busy!"
He added, "Besides, my elves and reindeer were on the verge of going on strike anyway."
Kris Kringle admitted that he has considered retirement several times over the past 20 years. "People are too damn divided nowadays. Everybody's bitching about something. Trump, taxes, K-pop, fake news, Kanye, YouTube Rewind, Hillary's emails. Nobody can agree on anything anymore, except that the Dotard had to go."
Trump clapped back at Santa by tweeting:
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| Pathetic attempt by Knotty Sandy Claws to cancel Christmas. I see you when you're sleeping. I no if yore a wake. I know if you've bin bad or good, so #BeBest FOR GOODNESS SAKE! | ||||
| 11:30 PM 18 December 2019 | ||||
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He then doubled down by tweeting a photoshopped image of himself as Santa Claus, akin to a recent photoshopped image of his head on Greta Thunberg's body on the cover of Time Magazine.
It is unknown if Christmas will ever be reinstated. "I'm at least 246 years old," Claus says. "I don't wanna pull a Bernie and have a heart attack."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Susan Cornwell, Richard Cowan and David Morgan "In historic step, U.S. House impeaches Donald Trump for abuse of power, obstruction" Reuters, December 18, 2019
- Ed Mazza "‘Don The Con, You’re Fired!’ Trump Gets A Blunt Message At His Own Rally" Huffington Post, December 18, 2019