UnNews:Tropical island buried in freak blizzard

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22 May 2007

Cape Bretoners dig out after Thursday's blizzard

Glace Bay, Nova Scotia (UnNews) - Cape Bretoners are still digging out after last Thursday's massive blizzard. An estimated 200 feet of snow fell on the normally tropical island. The extreme weight of the snow caused nearly all of the trees and houses on the island to collapse. Cape Breton does not take a census of its population so it is unknown how many fatalities have occurred because of this disaster.

A state of emergency has been declared by mayor John Morgan but both Premier Rodney MacDonald and Prime Minister Stephen Harper have flat-out refused to give any aid at all to the tropical but impoverished island. "Fuck Cape Breton, they are just a bunch of lazy bastards anyways, why should we help them", Premier MacDonald was quoted as saying from his palace in Halifax. "But sir, weren't you born in Cape Breton" replied local reporter Bruce Frisko. "Silence" replied Supreme Overlord MacDonald as Frisko was carried off to the dungeon.

Prime Minister Harper had a similar attitude towards the disaster, "This is God's punishment to Cape Breton for voting the Liberals in. There is no way in hell that we're helping those bastards. Who do they think we are, the NDP".

Despite the dismissive attitudes of both the federal and provincial government, Mayor Morgan is determined to rebuilt his municipality. Without government assistance, Morgan has a huge task ahead of him, over 90% of the buildings on the island have been destroyed. The 500 story Stream Tower, the only building in Glace Bay still standing, rises high above the ruins. Fortunately most of the population in Glace Bay survived because they took shelter in the Tower when the first flakes began to fall. Most of Glace Bay goes to the Main Event for wings on Thursday night and the Main Event happens to be located next door to the Stream Tower. Within 10 minutes of the storm starting the entire bar began to pile into the tower, many with their drinks still in their hand. Also the Stream Tower employs most of Glace Bay, so many people were at work when the storm hit.

Although most people were uninjured during the storm, many fights broke out in the Stream Tower as a result of the Main Event drunks piling in. Also there were isolated reports of cannabalism on the 2nd floor of the building, but this can not be confirmed because all of the potential witnesses are partially consumed corpses. Police have questioned a 23 year old Reserve Mines man who was the only surviving person on the 2nd floor but didn't have enough evidence to lay charges. Other than the few murder victims on the 2nd floor, most of the city's residents made it through the storm.

James Jefferson preparing his plane for the long flight home, just prior to taking off

Relief supplies have already began pouring in from all over the world. James Jefferson, a local pilot was in France when news of the disaster first broke. He immediately stocked his plane with French wine and hot European women to supply to the people back home. Stocked with good wine and hot women, the Jefferson Airplane left Côte d'Azur in Nice and arrived at what was left of the David Dingwall International Airport on Monday afternoon when most of the snow had melted. Jefferson was met on the runway by a convoy of army supply trucks led by General Ian MacGillacuty of the Canadian Forces. The convoy accompanied Jefferson back to Glace Bay with the relief supplies. Relief supplies including cigarettes, dope, hookers, and alcohol have also arrived from over 30 different countries including Zimbabwe, North Korea, and Iran.

In a press conference on Monday afternoon, Mayor Morgan said "Fuck the government, with all the shit that has flown in from all over the world, Harper and MacDonald can go fuck themselves. We don't need your fucking money you fucking assholes". Although this is the worst disaster to hit the island to date, Morgan believes the island will once again return to its former glory.

Sources

• Environment Canada "Weather Data, May 2007" Great White North Publications, May 17, 2007