UnNews:Tinted semen called "colorful"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
31 March 2007
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE - Dr. Michael Fenton of Dupont (“Better Things For Better Living”), the international chemicals giant, announced a food additive that has the curious effect of coloring men’s semen. The company is researching possible commercial applications for the discovery, which Fenton described as a “byproduct to chemical dyes we were inventing for radiation diagnostics.”
Physicians use chemical contrast dyes to help them detect abnormalities within the body during X-ray, magnetic resonance imaging (MRI), or computer topography (CT) scans. “They’re always looking for new colors,” Fenton told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies. “That was the purpose of our work: to develop new dyes for diagnostics.”
Instead, Fenton, who describes himself as “a human guinea pig” because of his tendency to test new chemical products on himself, and his wife, Melinda, who “make love twice a week, on the average,” were “astonished” to discover that his semen was “lime green” one day and “banana yellow” the next. Further experimentation with the ingestion (his, not Melinda’s) of the chemical showed that its effect is continuous, but the resulting color has, so far, varied each time Fenton has tried it. “No two colors have been the same,” he declared.
According to Melinda, “Some of the colors can be rather startling.” One, she said, in particular, was “unsettling.” “It looked like blood,” she said, but her husband tested the “gooey” substance and, despite its color, “it was semen, all right.”
Fenton examined his semen under a microscope. “The coloration is complete,” he found, “impregnating even the sperm cells, so that they are the same color, through and through, as the semen in which they swim.”
His choice of words amused Melinda, who giggled as she repeated “impregnating even the sperm.” She said she found the idea of pregnant sperm “funny,” because it’s sperm which, ordinarily, do the impregnating.
“She has a nerdy sense of humor,” Fenton said. “She’s a total geek. That’s why I love her.”
Finding a commercial application for the new chemical’s properties has proven “challenging,” Kevin Thomas, Dupont’s Vice-president of Marketing, said. “What use is there, really, for colored semen and sperm, other than, perhaps, in bio-medical research?” However, Thomas predicted that there may be an application for Dupont’s newest “chemical miracle” among the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) community, except, perhaps, among the lesbians. “Gays and bisexuals, like transsexuals, are always looking for sex-related novelties, and a chemical that changes the color of their semen with every use might be a marketable commodity among them.”
Melinda suggested another avenue for the promotion of the product. “Straight women might like it, too,” she said. “I know I do. Of course, I am a total geek, so my tastes, so to speak, may not be representative of most heterosexual women’s.”
Melinda’s suggestion fired Thomas’ imagination, and he is looking into the possibility of having flavoring agents added to the dye, so that “‘banana yellow really is banana yellow and cherry red really is ‘cherry red.’” The problem is, he said, there’s no way, currently, to predict which color the chemical will make the sperm and semen until after it has been ingested and the user ejaculates. “The way things are at present, we could add strawberry flavoring to an ejaculate that turns out to be peach-colored or peach flavoring to an ejaculate that turns out to be strawberry-colored.”
Fenton said he and his team are working on a way to determine in advance which color the chemical will make a man’s semen before he ingests it.
“I don’t get how flavoring semen will make anyone want to buy the chemical, though,” Melinda said.
“Wait until Saturday night,” her husband told her, “and I’ll be happy to show you.”
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- Lotta Lies "Pretty sperm for pretty boys?" Instant News, 58 seconds ago