UnNews:The Beautiful Game

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 November 2006

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The importance of technique.

CARDIFF, Wales -- Today marks the launch of Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month as the new official game of Wales. Following the trouncings that Wales has suffered in the last few years at Buggery (or 'Rugby' as the euphemism goes), the High Sherrif of Cardigan Bay, Llllallla Ysbyty, has declared Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month to be the national sport after public opinion (and the kidnapping of Mr Ysbyty's mother by the Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month Pressure Group) forced his hand.

Originally planned for September 11th, the launch was postponed on the grounds that it would be unfair on people observing the 60 minute silence who might get caught unawares by Pinch, Punch, First Of The Monthers, and be unable to shout 'white rabbits'. Also, it wasn't the first of any month.

She might be an ugly slag, but she has technique

So today heralds the start of the Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month Awareness Month. The Millennium Stadium is holding pinching classes, emphasising the amount of pressure that should be exerted between thumb and forefinger. In the evening there will be a boxing match, after which the Manic Street Preachers will be signing calendars. Former Manic, Ritchie Edwards will be joining Lord Lucan in an instruction on how best to avoid being seen on the first of the month until finding the opportune moment to jump out and shout "Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month" at your victim.

Mr Ysbyty made the point that shouting "white rabbits" after delivering your lines is not entirely necessary, although it is good etiquette to do so.

Good etiquette.

The sport, enjoyed by everyone in Wales, is not to be confused with Pinch, Punch, Time Of The Month which is an entirely different sport involving golf clubs.

The finale of the awareness month will be on the night of October 31st, again in the Millennium Stadium. Tickets are now on sale for this event (£3 from Ticketline + £3500 booking fee). For this modest charge you will be invited to hide in the stadium in readiness to shout "Pinch, Punch, First Of The Month" on the stroke of midnight.

A capacity crowd of 74,500 is expected for the event and a winner will be chosen from the crowd based on a) the delivery of their line, and b) the amount of injury they inflict on their victim, particularly by the opening pinch, although it is stated in the rules that twisting is not allowed. Anyone causing a Halloween heart attack will also be disqualified. The winner will be crowned Pinch Punch First Of The Month World Champion and will have to dress as a white rabbit for the rest of month.

Role Of Honour

World Champion Pinch Punch First-of-the-Monther

2006 Champion: Helen Keller

Sources

• FFred Ffancis "Care Of The Rabbit" Wales On Sunday, May 01, 1876

• Stephen King "Curse Of The Rabbit" Hodder, October 31, 1313