UnNews:The American Civil War Is Imminent – All Because of Swifties

Thursday, February 27, 2025

What started as a cultural movement has now escalated into a full-scale national crisis. The United States is facing the most significant internal conflict since the 19th century, but this time, it is not about economic policy, states' rights, or ideological divisions. Instead, the catalyst is an unlikely yet immensely powerful force: the fanbase of global pop icon Taylor Swift. Over the past weeks, tensions have risen at an alarming rate. Reports from intelligence agencies, state governments, and military officials all indicate that America is no longer dealing with a niche internet subculture or a passionate music community. What was once an online fandom has transformed into a militarized, highly coordinated insurgency. With the economy already strained, international tensions high, and social cohesion at an all-time low, this crisis could not have emerged at a worse time. The implications of a civil conflict—especially one fueled by an unpredictable mix of celebrity influence, generational unrest, and digital-age tribalism—are immense.

This is how the country reached this moment of reckoning.

When a Football Game Becomes a Revolution

That extremely basic outfit costs solid $ 70,000

On February 9, 2025, Louisiana hosted the most anticipated sports event of the year – Super Bowl LIX, where the Kansas City Chiefs faced off against the Philadelphia Eagles. What was expected to be a thrilling match instead turned into an unforeseen catastrophe as the Chiefs, led by Travis Kelce, suffered a crushing 40-22 defeat. The loss itself wasn’t the shocking part – it was the aftermath.

Seated in the stands was Taylor Swift, the globally renowned pop star and Kelce’s girlfriend, whose mere presence proved to be the catalyst of historic chaos. When her face appeared on the stadium’s massive screens, the crowd erupted in boos. Swift tried to laugh it off, but her infamous "side-eye" made it clear: something had been set in motion.

Taylor Swift getting booed by bunch of Philly fans

At that exact moment, an event unfolded that escalated the situation beyond control. A fanatical Swiftie, later identified as Amanda L., chose to stage a drastic protest, slitting her own throat on the spot. Media outlets later focused more on the price of her outfit ($50,000) than the grim nature of her suicide.

Meanwhile, sitting comfortably in his private Super Bowl suite was Donald Pump, the first U.S. president whose intellect perfectly aligns with the name of his family business. Pump openly celebrated Swift’s humiliation, rather than fulfilling his long-standing promise to end the war in Ukraine within 24 hours. But then, he made a fatal mistake: he declared his hatred for Taylor Swift.

This was the spark.

Swifties—whose devotion rivals the most radical religious cults—took Pump’s insult as a personal declaration of war. Across Kansas, Texas, Louisiana, and New York, militant factions of Swift fans began forming, swearing vengeance.

Phase One: Tanks, Riots, and a Declaration of War

On February 15, the first direct military action took place. A M1917 tank, a relic from World War I, was stolen from a Kansas National Guard base. The perpetrator was reportedly a woman in a "Tortured Poets Department" hoodie, whose sparkly shorts made her visible from hundreds of meters away. A tow truck swiftly arrived, loaded the tank, and disappeared without a trace.

The following day, Swifties dropped all pretenses. A 2,500-strong force of radicalized Swift fans stormed multiple National Guard armories across Kansas, trampling 25 guardsmen to death and seizing 70% of the state’s modern arsenal.

Hours later, the Taylor Nation forum issued an official declaration of war against:

• Pennsylvania
• Maryland
• New York
• Virginia
• Rhode Island

…and for reasons that remain entirely unclear, also against Israel and Ukraine.

The response was immediate. The targeted U.S. states declared military emergencies. Israel—already dealing with Palestinian children throwing stones at Merkava tanks—chose to stay out of it. Ukraine reacted sluggishly, but President Volodymyr Zelenskyy, despite his feuds with Pump, couldn’t ignore the insanity. He posted on Instagram that the situation had become so desperate that he had started using meth and crack again ("and it’s some serious shit"). In a show of symbolic defiance, Ukraine sent 14 captured T-55 tanks to the U.S. to aid the resistance against the Swifties.

One of M1A1 AS tanks in Cleveland, February 23.

Tanks in the Streets, Dayton in Flames, and the Resurrection of Scrap Metal

By February 21, it became clear that every state’s National Guard had been stripped of its tanks. Swifties had systematically looted military depots, using the stolen armor to assert dominance.

In Dayton, several Swifties ran over themselves with a stolen M1A1 SA Abrams, resulting in chaotic 911 calls.

Only now did the U.S. Army grasp the gravity of the situation. Due to severe hardware shortages, it was forced to reactivate historic tanks that had no place in modern warfare:

• M48 and M60 Pattons – relics of the Cold War, retired in the 1990s
• M4A3 (76)W HVSS Sherman – last used in combat in 1957, the hero of WWII

Then, on February 26, Taylor Swift finally broke her silence. She publicly cursed Donald Pump, giving her followers the divine blessing to remove the "necessary evil."

Eyewitnesses reported hearing a deafening explosion from inside her mansion. Her cat was reportedly launched into orbit (thrown by Travis Kelce).

International Reactions

Rhode Island is testing its new tanks. February 27

To this date, the conflict spilled beyond American borders.

Ukraine sent some help as well....

• Rhode Island received a shipment of 70 Pz.Kpfw. IV tanks from unknown source, variants ranging from F to J – allegedly for "testing purposes."
• Kansas obtained 27 T-72B3s, though most were already destroyed (some still contained rotting Russian crews inside).
• Denmark officially announced its intent to invade the U.S. in retaliation for the Greenland incident.
• Mexico, seizing the opportunity, sent a fresh wave of migrants—further destabilizing the situation.

What Comes Next?

America is now on the brink of another Civil War—but this time, it’s not North vs. South, but Swifties vs. the Rest of the Nation. The National Guard has been disarmed, the U.S. Army is deploying museum relics, the world is laughing, and Taylor Swift has officially assumed the role of a warlord.

Meanwhile, Donald Pump, isolated in the White House, remains blissfully delusional, still believing Russian propaganda and refusing to acknowledge anything that doesn’t bear his name in gold letters.

One thing is certain. America will never be the same again.