UnNews:Tebow shitcans make-up artist after Matthew 6:5-6 blunder
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 February 2012
DENVER, Colorado, GNN (Goanna News Network). INSUFFERABLY pious American multi-millionaire Tim Tebow yesterday shitcanned his long-time make-up artist, Tanya "Bangles" Spangle, after she mistakenly painted the wrong Bible verse on his cheeks before some interminably drawn-out ball-throwing game last week.
In a costly fit of absent-mindedness, Ms Spangle forgot to paint on Tebow's favourite Bible verse, John 3:16. Instead, she painted "Matthew 6:5-6", which reads: “And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full. But when you pray, go into your closet, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."
Tebow said through a spokesmouthpiece: "It could hardly be more embarrassing. Almost any other Bible verse would have been better. Even Ezekiel 23:20 - "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses" - would have been better. Or Deuteronomy 22:28-29 - "If a man is caught in the act of raping a young woman who is not engaged, he must pay 50 pieces of silver to her father. Then he must marry the young woman because he violated her, and he will never be allowed to divorce her" - Or even that bit about Jesus being a total dickwad and cursing the fig tree to death for not having fruit even though it was out of season (Mark 11:12-14). Fuck."
Ms Spangle was philosophical when UnNews approached her for comment in a bar in downtown Denver.
"The make-up job was good while it lasted," the former Vegas stripper said. "The money was OK, and while Tim never touched me - I think he's still a virgin - some of his teammates did me six ways from Sunday while Tim watched.
The home-schooled Mr. Tebow, 24, also shitcanned his previous make-up artist a year ago for asbent-mindedly painting him with the bible reference Exodus 21, a biblical list of transgressions for which God wants people killed.
"Keeping my actions consistent with God in the face of all his teachings is a full time job," said Tebow, whose statistically mediocre performances last season paid honor to the Diety. "I'm a fanboy for Jesus and his dad," Tebow admitted, "and even though I follow God's directions to honor thy mother and father, I also follow Exodus:21, and would kill my own parents if I imagined they broke any of God's laws." Tebow's parents were not available for comment, and neighbors say they haven't been seen in weeks.
