UnNews:Talking pineapple declared a national threat
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 April 2012
ALBANY, New York -- A talking pineapple has been reported missing from the New York State Edumacation Department Headquarters in Albany, NY after terrorizing millions of public school students across the state.
President Barack Obama said in a press conference last night, "We are in a real crisis now. As soon as you make fruits speak our language, you've enabled them to take over our country."
How it started
It all started in a plain-looking classroom. Well, hundreds of them scattered across the state of New York. And UnNews journalist Cute Zekrom was in one of them when he came across a reading passage about a pineapple who tried to challenge a bunch of drunk animals to a race. In the end, the animals ate the pineapple for being such a dick. Little did he know, however, that the pineapple was very much alive....
The pineapple was in hiding in the Catskill Mountains, vowing to get revenge on hares everywhere for his unjust early death. "I'm sick of animals treating me like s**t," he told UnNews. "They never trusted me that I could actually race the hare. I just broke my bone, that's all."
Danger
The government has declared that all civilians are permitted to shoot and kill any pineapples with any seemingly human qualities. In addition, the original talking pineapple now has a bounty on his head for $2,500 if dead (chopped up and eaten - again), or $100,000 if alive.
Other talking fruits, such as grapes and strawberries, were not considered as much of a threat as the talking pineapples, specifically because they're so teeny nobody cares. Talking watermelons, on the other hand, have been discriminated against by animals since 1963. Even the 1964 Civil Rights Act didn't do much to alleviate this antagonism between fruits and animals. (The fruits hate the animals because they get eaten by the animals - in droves.)
Taking over the education system?
Another issue is that pineapples may start eating up the school system if the "fiction" pieces used on standardized tests become too, um, absurd like the talking-pineapple "story". New York City Department of Education Chancellor Dennis M. Walcott told UnNews, "The thing about tests is that they're real. They're the closest you get to real life. And they need to be better integrated into our school system."
Well, what about animals? And fruits, for that matter? They're real. And they need to be better integrated into our government system.
Sources
- Valerie Strauss "The meaning of the 'talking pineapple' test question" Washington Post, April 25, 2012