UnNews:Tacoma tries rap music to chase Jehovah's Witnesses from bus stops

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

1 August 2007

Tacoma residents are hoping these two will be able to put a stop to the plague of Jehovah's Witnesses that are ravaging their city

TACOMA, Washington (AP) - Believing that rap music and religion don't mix, Tacoma authorities have come up with a radical plan to remove soliciting Jehovah's Witnesses from city bus stops. Speakers are being installed in the city's malls and buses which will blast rap music from artists such as Dr. Dre, Eminem, and Snoop Dogg. For years Tacoma's malls and public transit system have been plagued by Jehovah's Witnesses soliciting passengers and distributing religious propaganda. The city came up with the plan after the numerous complaints from city residents of being verbally abused and threatened with Hell if they didn't convert. Jehovah's Witnesses don't even believe in Hell as a place of torment. Most of the complaints were not serious and only regarded the Witnesses as a nuisance but a few residents cited public safety concerns as their biggest complaints against the Witnesses.

One resident, who identified herself as Anita Bath, says that Jehovah's are actually a dangerous cult who recruit impressionable young teenagers into their dangerous association. Witnesses have radical beliefs such as bans on premarital sex, alcohol, fun in general, and blood transfusions. Bath went onto explain that teenagers and children are too stupid to know what is good for them, "They would just blindly go along with it because we all know children do exactly as they are told".

Rap music has been shown to disperse Jehovah's Witnesses and other religious solicitors such as Mormons. Salt Lake City has recently installed speakers on all major streets to help curb the growing Mormon epidemic that the state of Utah is facing.

Scientists are not sure why rap music is so aversive to religious people but anthropologists who have studied religious societies believe that an adversive reaction to offensive music has failed to evolve out of these populations. Scientist Harry Byrd went onto to explain why this strange behaviour persists in human populations in modern times. "Originally back in ancient times (the 1930s), there was a common phenotype that resulted in an adverse reaction to anything outside of a strict range of human behaviour. This all changed in the 1960s when a mutant allele appeared in the human species which resulted in indifference to offensive material. Females found this particular behaviour very appealing and it quickly spread to most of the human population. Because religious people are isolated (and often inbred too), the mutant allele which is now the norm, has for the most part, failed to break into these populations. There is some evidence however that isolated cases of the allele which causes liberalism has penetrated the religious population because some people have left religious organizations."

Despite the proven success of rap music at dispersing swarms of religious fundamentalists some Tacoma residents such as old people and prudes think that the rap music is even worse than the Witnesses. Harry Balls, a 71-year-old bus rider, said others beside Jehovah's Witnesses might take direct action against a steady stream of fucks, bitches, and niggas. "So many people around here don't listen to that rap crap," Balls said. "They won't like it - any of them."

Sources

• Jehovah Jones "Jumping Jehovah Witnesses Batman!" Watchtower, July 31, 2007