UnNews:Suspicions over Armstrong motorized testicle
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 April 2013
Disgraced American cyclist Lance Armstrong is planning to return to competitive sport as a swimmer, but his competitors have already raised concerns over the apparently motorized testicle that is propelling him to record times.
Armstrong is scheduled to compete in freestyle races over 500 yards, 1,000 yards and 1,650 yards at the event held in his home city of Austin, but fellow swimmer James Finn told UnNews, "There's no way a normal 41-year-old could compete with athletes half his age. And there's no way a man with a normal pair of testicles could swim 50m in 4.2 seconds."
Armstrong himself has so far refused to comment on the rumors, but several swimming experts, having watched the former Tour de France winner in training, have commented on the unusual jet-stream emanating from his loins, and a faint whirring sound which is audible when he enters and exits the pool.
However, US Masters Swimming executive director Rob Butcher said he had not received any objections to Armstrong competing in the event. "The thing with Lance is, he just loves to compete, and he loves to cheat. His cycling ban has robbed him of those two pleasures, and hopefully swimming can give them back to him, because this sport has a culture of people that win obscene amounts of gold medals and who then turn out to be cheats."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Lance Armstrong set for competitive return as a swimmer" BBC, April 04, 2013