UnNews:Lance Armstrong confesses to drug use...and more

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

6 January 2013

Yes, it's all true. Every last little needle.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Shocking news has just arrived for every bicyclist heartbroken after Lance Armstrong was found guilty of using performance-enhancing drugs while competing in the Tour de France back in the early days of the 2000s. The young bicyclist and cancer survivor won not just once but seven times, became a national icon, and very nearly started an entire bicycling revolution in the normally gasoline-hungry United States (even though obviously that never happened). Now, the not-so-young cyclist and mildly famous national icon has been shunned from the bicycling world for bad choices made while seeking easy fame, and even though he and many of his fans have firmly denied his use of drugs, the time has come for Lance to tell the truth about he matter. Earlier today, Armstrong called a press conference at the headquarters of Bayer pharmaceuticals to formally "come clean" and admit to his use of performance-enhancing drugs during his French years. Surprisingly, however, he also took the time to formally admit to the various other forms of cheating he employed over the years to increase his cycling and ultimately speed up his rise to fame.

"It started oh so long ago," Armstrong told the press today. "My need to develop illegal ways of beating sporting opponents had its roots in my childhood years, when I would drink large amounts of soda and caffeinated beverages before races up and down the block. I would always triumph, and rather than feel ashamed I would leave with a great sense of elation." The cyclist went on to explain how later, after developing the proper skills, he would develop small and inconspicuous motors that were practically noiseless and could be attached to his bikes the day before a race. "As a young man competing in smaller races, I always had the edge." Armstrong admitted.

His methods of cheating became more elaborate as the years went by and he gained more attention. Armstrong would buy underground and illegal bicycle components such as frictionless chains and caffeine tablets to give him a boost during competitions and make it easier even during everyday riding. "It just becomes part of your life, you know?" Armstrong went on, shrugging and looking over his shoulders periodically. Then, once Armstong knew he was headed for the big leagues, he began purchasing buckets of performance enhancing drugs, stocking up for himself and his teammates as they trained for the Tour de France. He even filled up the kitchen cupboards with extra syringes and tablets, much to the dismay of his family. Always the professional, Lance would take as many drugs as possible before a race, and at the Tour de France could often be seen in his private tent minutes before a race, shooting up. "He was a role model, you know?" Armstrong's teammate Ricardo Matlopliffer said a few days after the charges against Armstrong. "And the drugs were really nice as they entered your bloodstream, so we just thought; 'What's the harm?'" Armstrong also provided his teammates with illegal coffee, bicycle motors, frictionless chains, hollowed out frames, and access to fresh drugs even while riding in a race, through a complex in-suit syringe system.

Armstrong stated that he felt that with the coming of the New Year, it was very much time to come clean with his whole history of cheating in the sport of bicycling. "It's better for the fans to hear the truth," he said to conclude the press conference, "And it's good for all the American children who looked up to me as a role model and as inspiration to be healthier and more active. The truth hurts, but you gotta hear it. Can't keep living the lie." He then took time to officially return all of his medals both from the Tour de France and before, even including his French stuffed lions. What an amazing day for honesty and the American spirit, and what a crippling defeat for what little pro-cycling sentiment any average Americans harbor.

Sources

• Some writer "Lance Armstrong Doping Admission Could Be Coming Soon" Huffington Post, January 5, 2012