UnNews:Study: Dial-up better than Broadband, DSL

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 November 2007

Dial-up has caused many a computer to "crash."

Des Moines, IOWA (UP2) - A study conducted by University of Iowa researchers has found that dial-up internet service is better than broadband or DSL. “Overall, the DSL user is more or less bound to his or her computer, clicking away and getting download after download, website after website. This takes away from personal time with the family or completing necessary chores,” said Dr. I. M. Phulovitt, head of the university's Studies for Social Improvement. “The dial-up user has time to talk to the kids or spouse and can take the time it needs to do little things around the house,” he added.

But, there is also a downside, the study concluded. “We found acts of violence were more common in homes that had dial-up service, ranging from destruction of property to domestic violence,” warned Dr. Phulovitt . “But, we also found homes with dial-up were inclined to purchase more new computers.” This was due to the fact that many dial-up users have a tendency to throw their computer across the room. “Better the computer than the wife or dog,” said Dr. Phulovitt.

Homer T. Peabody, a dial-up user in Mason City, agreed with the study. “When I have to download a 10 to 15 MG file, I have time to wash the car or mow the lawn. Once I even painted the kitchen and when I was done, there was only about five minutes left. Unfortunately, my son picked up the phone, so I had to start all over again. I decided I didn’t need the file anyway and watched some re-runs on Sci-Fi with the kids.”

Amanda Dominate, a former broadband user in Davenport, said her life is more “in control” since she switched to dial-up. “I used to spend hours downloading music files and computer upgrade tools,” she said. “My kids would always ask me when we were going to eat. I’d always tell them “one more minute, mommy’s busy,” but that would turn into hours. Now, I have time to play with the kids, and remember to feed the dog everyday. I haven‘t seen Animal Control since I switched to dial-up.”

"My husband was trying for the third time to download a 25MG file," said Delores, who asked to only use her last name.

But, on the downside, Wanda X. from Des Moines, who wished to remain anonymous, says dial-up ruined her marriage. “My husband would sit there and stare at the little bar as the download crept in. If it would fail, he would start to throw things and even tossed me around a few times. I begged him to get DSL, but he refused to pay the money - he thought the NSA would keep track of him. Now, he’s in prison, and I hope someone is downloading him on their laptop,” she said with a grin.

Dr. Phulovitt added, “Those computers you see on the street waiting for the trashman are more than likely dial-up users. We know of one family that purchased three within as many months, so actually, dial-up is good for the economy.”

Broadband and DSL providers were quick to dismiss the study. “If a person doesn’t have a life and must spend hours on the internet, then we are glad to provide that service that makes them feel as if they belong in the world. If you can’t get out of the house because of the internet, you need to take a look at yourself by going to [1].”