UnNews:Steelers: We Won

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22 August 2006

We won! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go off into a testosterone-fueled rage. (Cowher)

PITTSBURGH, Pennysvania, USA -- Following the cease fire agreement in Lebanon, the Pittsburgh Steelers head coach, Jeff Cowher, declared the following in yet another televised interview.

Look! I've got one thumb for each country! (Putin)

"In every altercation with Hezbollah, Israel, Russia and Hell, our players had the upper hand. Hezbollah, Israeli, Russian and Hellian leaders went into hiding and are all lying. We will continue to hunt them down anytime, anywhere". In addition, Cowher promised that his country would advance efforts to smash the crap out of everybody even further over the next several years.

We won! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tend to my minions. (Satan)

According to the head coach, there were also shortcom ings in managing the situation that will needed to be examined. "We won't hide or sweep anything under the rug, but we won't be unnecessarily harsh. We don't have the patience to wallow in arguments".

He called for the Israeli, Hezbollah, Russian and Hell's governments to fall to their knees and beg mercy from the Steelers soldiers.

We won! Now if you'll excuse me I really have to take a shower. (Nasrallah)

We won! Now if you'll excuse me, my colon has just prolapsed. (Olmert)

Cowher made it clear that the Steelers absorbed absolutely no damages during the war, but added that "Israel has made it clear to the world that it will not accept attacks on it,” he said, adding that the UN Resolution may result in a fundamental change in the situation along the Eastern border.

Sources

• Sidney Portier "Steelers clean house in Lebanon" National Geographic, Aug. 15, 2006