UnNews:Springfield infant arrested for second Trump shooting
Wednesday, October 30, 2024
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio -- One month after the second assassination attempt on former President and current Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, a Springfield infant has been arrested in connection to the Florida "shooting". The child's name has not been released.
"Uh, yeah, that's nobody's business yet," says Police Chief Clancy Wiggum outside a Krusty Burger drive-thru. "And I don't want to send the poor kid to jail. But I've got a job to do. You want fries, Lou?"
"No, I'm good, Chief," another officer replied.
"You know, I would have expected this thing from Bart, maybe Homer. I'm sure Lisa would've had a motive."
While the infant is unnamed, records show that a Simpson family went on a business trip to Florida. Mr. Simpson is employed by Montgomery Burns' nuclear power plant.
UnNews attempted to contact the Simpson family, only for the patriarch to tell us "Get the hell off my lawn, you lousy paparazzi! Leave Maggie alone-- D'oh!"
We're not sure if he was referring to his infant or to the late UK Prime Minister Maggie Thatcher.
One possible motive for the citizens of Springfield may be a debunked conspiracy theory claiming that Haitian immigrants in the town have been stealing and eating pets. "They're eating the dogs! They're eating the cats!" Trump exclaimed at the September 10 presidential debate with Democratic challenger Kamala Harris, whom UnNews officially endorses. UnNews interviewed a local Scotsman, a groundskeeper for Springfield Elementary, who initially seemed to confirm the conspiracy theory, claiming that he dined on the Simpsons' dog:
"Aye. I ate him. I ate his little face, and I ate his guts! And, I ate the ways he’s always barkin'... so I gave him to the church. I also ate the mess he left on me rug!"
Rev. Tim Lovejoy confirms that the canine is safe and sound. "But he bit my hand so I condemned him to hell."
Another Springfield infant, coincidentally from a family named Simpson, shot Burns in 1995. Burns survived. It is unconfirmed if it's the same infant or the same SImpson family, although the infant would be at least 29 years old today. But strangely, nobody ever ages in Springfield.
We'll have more on this story as it develops. Reporting from Springfield, this is Kent Brockman for UnNews.
