UnNews:Sonic the Hedgehog lacking in speed after massive amphetamine overdose
Thursday, February 25, 2016
Sonic the Hedgehog, once an inspiration to children and intellectually challenged Man Children everywhere, was shockingly discovered dead today with an estimated four grams of street-grade amphetamine in the blood of his left leg alone.
The body was found in a bathtub by a local prostitute who only wished to be identified in the press by her streetname "Tails".
Police currently do not suspect foul-play, as it was well known to friends of the deceased that he had been struggling with use and abuse of speed for most of his life, he was allegedly two weeks sober after a brief stint in a rehabilitation facility.
Like all drug-related death of low to moderate profile celebrities, Sonics' representatives (Sega) were quick to respond to concern expressed by middle-aged soccer moms and middle-aged pasty nerds saying that the death of the much-beloved hedgehog was nothing to be concerned about.
They made the solemn request that those affected should spend their money on Sonic merchandise (including the "new limited edition classic Sonic memorial plushy, now available for the low, low price of $49.95 + postage™") to help repay Sonic's drug dealers, loan sharks and ultimately his next of kin Amy, the bitch who rather ironically introduced him to hard drugs in the first place as a result of her gold-digger lust for "shiny rings".
We now immortalize Sonic alongside other famous people who OD'd in seedy hotel rooms like Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson and congratulate him on making it to 24 hours sober!
