UnNews:Silverstone bares soul, sort of
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
22 September 2007
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HOLLYWOOD, California - "Actress" Alicia Silverstone, a recent convert to Roman Catholicism, has bared her soul, in a manner of speaking, confessing to her parish priest that she has “posed nude” for PETA. People for the Eradication of Animals is a “godless organization,” she admitted, “which wants to exterminate animals.”
Many others of her ilk have also stripped for the organization, including Pamela Anderson, who will strip for any cause at any time, anywhere; Famke Janssen, the skeletal brunette who was unknown before her role in The X-Men and has become unknown again since; and Betty Boop, a Roaring Twenties flapper cartoon character known for her asinine tendency to refer to breasts as “boops.”
“I am a carnivore who pretended to be a vegetarian,” Silverstone confessed. That makes me a hypocrite--and a liar--but that doesn’t give me the right to exhibit my body like a common whore.” She appealed to the priest. “Does it?”
The priest, Father Henry Huggins, asked the repentant actress whether she had any “extra copies” of the offensive photographs of herself in the altogether, saying he needed to consult them to determine the nature and the severity of the penance he should impose upon her.
“I’ve seen the error of my ways,” the actress whined. “I don’t want to go to hell.”
Father Huggins gave her a hug. He patted her buttock and said, “A ‘Hail Mary’ and an ‘Our Father.’ How does that sound for penance?”
Silverstone appeared content with this suggestion, but she asked, “What about an act of contrition?”
“The confessional closes at seven PM,” the priest told her. “Come to the rectory. You can perform an act of ‘contrition’ there.”
“At your residence?” the actress asked, sounding confused.
“Don’t forget to bring the pictures,” he reminded her.
PETA told Unnews’ reporter Lotta Lies that it has no intention of working with Silverstone again. “We don’t need the bad press of the Catholic church,” a spokesperson explained, “not when there are so many other actresses, models, and female athletes who don’t mind taking off their clothes for a good cause.”
Maybe Sarah Michelle Gellar, another confirmed carnivore, can be persuaded to set aside her no-nudity clause to show her minimal assets in the cause of eradicating animals. Wouldn’t you kill a goat to see just how buff “Buffy” really is?
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- Lotta Lies "Beef: it’s what’s for PETA" Instant News, 3 seconds ago