UnNews:Senator has catchy new name for bonds

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14 March 2011

Senator Wyden stands with Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, who has a plan to "rebrand" Constitutionality.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Senator Ron Wyden (D-OR) is ready to propose a replacement for the Buy America Bonds (BABs) that expired in December.

The infrastructure bonds "were wildly successful, for that year-and-a-half," said Wyden, at an Obama meeting on infrastructure. The only problem was that the bonds weren't always used for infrastructure. UnNews queried former President Bush on how a large slush fund could be used for a purpose contrary to law, but he was hiding under a TARP (which is also an acronym). Wyden says, "So, this time, we'll re-brand them" and designate them as only for infrastructure.

That dynamic step means a new name, a new slogan, and a new marketing campaign. The Senator chose TRIPs, which stands for Transportation and Regional Infrastructure Bonds. Except that it doesn't. It would be TRIBs, which is something Lesbians do sometimes.

Americans love acronyms. Even the Tea Party Movement is an acronym, and that accounts for its success. (It can't be two-week budget extensions.) Long before Nancy Pelosi insisted we had to pass Obama-care "to see what was in it," the Republicans insisted that if we stopped to ask what USA PATRIOT Act stood for or what was in it, the terrorists would win. Senator Wyden believes a catchy acronym will be the key to the program's success.

BABs, the previous success, paid state and local governments up to 35% of the cost of borrowing money. States in horrible shape and facing high interest rates (which usually tells you not to borrow at all) made out especially well, a concept Washington calls "targeted assistance." But the program expired, and the locals will now have to pay an arm and a leg to refinance. This is different from a "stimulus program," which pays states to hire new bureaucrats, until it runs out too. The TRIBs will let these states borrow, probably to pay off the BABs, if they say they will use the money to build expressways, which they didn't and can't.

For a catchy slogan to accompany the rebranding, Sen. Wyden said, "We'll probably just go with, 'Yes, we can!' That worked wonders last time." Tony the Tiger will be the mascot and will read a script written by professionals at objective news outlets such as Reuters.

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