UnNews:Researchers discover wrong way to eat a Reese's

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 October 2006

The lauded confection can be eaten in an inappropriate or illegal manner.

NEW ZEALAND-- The long-held belief that there is no wrong way to eat a Reese's is now beginning to change. During a routine lunch break, a team of researchers in New Zealand came upon a radical discovery that would send shock waves throughout the science community: there is in fact a wrong way to eat a Reese's. As one of the scientists involved in the project explains:

“ Think about the implications involved! If our hypothesis is correct, it might go beyond this--we could be looking at hundreds, perhaps thousands of wrong ways to eat a Reese's... I don't think the world is ready for that. ”

This new information seems to have struck a nerve with the makers of the scrumptious chocolatey-peanutbuttery treat, who have threatened to sue the researchers if they did not withdraw the results of their study from the public.

One possible method of improper Reese's consumption.

“ How dare they make such an allegation! In all the years this company has put forth to create the perfect anytime-anywhere-melt-in-your-mouth-treat, no one has had the audacity to question its flawlessness. --CEO of The Hershey Company ”

But let us not forget the real victims of this revelation, the consumers. For years the Hershey overlords have spun a close-knit web of assumptions built on the idea that a man could eat his confectionary cup in peace, without the guilt of having consumed it inappropriately; and they have fed it to the public since. But the truth is being revealed, and many scientists hope that by the year 2015, all of the estimated 450--7,800 possible wrong ways to eat a Reese's will be documented. Over 20 countries are involved in the project. But for concerns of international unity, the New Zealand government refuses to reveal what exactly the wrong way to eat a Reese's is yet. And as we ponder the future of this long-since popular treat, we are forced to remember the words of Sir Isaac Newton (creator of the fig newton) who had warned us all about the dangers of the Peanut Butter Cup so long ago:

“ That Reese is a fool; they had no idea what we were doing at the time. It looks so innocent, this peanut butter cup does, but we have since learnt the truth. The legends are real--only pain and misery follow this Hallowed Cup, and it is only a matter of time before man falls prey to its delicious chocolatey temptation... ”

Sources

• e e cummings "Reeses: the intolerable truth" The Kiwi Buggerer, October 11, 2006