UnNews:Police find crystal meth recipe in Bible

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3 April 2009

Yummy! Crystal meth.

INDIANA, USA -- Elkhart police were surprised to discover that two men arrested during an investigation into a suspected methamphetamine laboratory were divinity students from Indiana State University earlier this week. Officers who raided an apartment belonging to the pair - situated in a block where another illegal meth and closed down six months ago - carried out a search of the premises and discovered a large quantity of chemicals and equipment necessary to produce the drug, the use of which has reached epidemic levels in some areas of the United States. "This drug is relatively easy to produce," explains DEA officer Red Knecksbain. "However, the method used is highly dangerous and frequently results in fires or explosions. As such, we monitor suspected producers closely and carry out raids on their premises as soon as we have sufficient evidence. In this case, we confiscated a very great deal of chemicals and lab gear which, God willing, will mean there's a lot less meth on Elkhart's streets for a long time."

However, it appears that God may not be willing. When interrogated by police, the men revealed that they had discovered the recipe they used to produce the drug in an unlikely place - the Bible. "Well, we assumed they were bullshitting us," Knecksbain continues. "After all, we hear a whole lot of excuses from these types of people and we dismissed the claims and continued trying to find out where they obtained instructions and who supplied the equipment. But they stuck to their story so eventually we had no choice but to investigate further."

A check amongst officers who took part in the raid revealed that none of them had come across a Bible while searching the apartment. "We asked whereabouts in the Bible this supposed recipe was," Knecksbain told UnNews. "But they told us that it's not in every Bible and that they had found it in a copy dating from 1427 which is kept in the University library which included a section has not found in any Bibles produced since then."

Officers immediately contacted University authorities who said they would be happy to help. "They were pretty surprised to hear what we had to say," Knecksbain says, "because the instructions could apparently be found in Revelation 5, verse 15 - 22. One of their professors was in the library at that time, and he confirmed to us that Revelation 5 only has 14 verses. However, we told him what the students had told us, and he retrieved the book and took a look."

Professor B. Fuddled spoke to UnNews earlier today. "Well, I've been a Bible scholar for 65 years," he told us, "But I'd never heard such a thing. Jesus isn't real and I must have read Revelation a thousand times and that chapter definitely only goes up to verse 14. But over the years, the Bible has been changed slightly as new copies have been produced and this was especially the case prior to the invention of the printing press when every copy was laboriously produced by hand. As a result, people do occasionally discover previously-unknown sections of text in very old copies, so I told Knecksbain I'd be happy to take a look and am I glad I did. There it was, right in front of my eyes - several verses that must have been forgotten for all these centuries." Although it was not possible to remove the Bible, which is in a fragile state due to its antiquity, police visited the University where they were permitted to take photographs of the relevant section to use during the students' prosecution; UnNews has been exclusively allowed a copy of the photographs, one of which is printed below.


The discovery has been hailed as one of the most remarkable since Dr. Jehosaphat Bullocks, a scholar at Cambridge University in England, discovered a new ending to the Book of Exodus 24:12 [1] which reads, "And Moses did look upon the stone tablets and he spake unto the LORD, and these were his words: "I ain't soddin' gonna lug them back down there, mate, they look like the weigh a fuckin' ton. Then he did leg it empty-handed back down to his people and got back just in time for a pint before last orders at the pub."

The two men will appear in court, charged with possession, intent to supply and conspiracy to unlawfully produce a controlled drug - all crimes which can carry a life-sentence - next Wednesday. Whether or not the fact that the method they used was found in the Bible and appears to be condoned by God will help in their defence is not known, though a further investigation carried out by police also revealed that the pair had also discovered evidence of a possible recipe for LSD in a 12th Century Torah and a blueprint for construction of a bong in an early copy of Buddhist sacred text the Avatamsaka Sutra may have an effect on the trial's conclusion, according to UnNews legal experts.

Footnotes[edit | edit source]

  1. "The LORD said to Moses, "Come up to me on the mountain and stay here, and I will give you the tablets of stone, with the law and commands I have written for their instruction."

Sources[edit | edit source]

To which moses replied you must be jucking foking them bad boys weigh a ton, moses then was seen to skin a beauty ov a refer, and did take a huge toke then all was good with the world. So it was written