UnNews:Police advise, pissing them off still a crime

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

13 August 2009

Washington, DC - Retired Police Chief Henry Himmler, recently appointed spokesman for the North American Main Bureau of Law Agencies (NAMBLA), held a press conference this morning where he expressed concern about the upswing in "attitude" amongst the American people in the weeks following the arrest of Professor Gates of Harvard.

"I would like everyone to remember that 'pissing off police' is still a crime, a Class C Felony in every state but Montana, where it's a Class A Misdemeanor.", said Himmler. "People need to remember that you must give cops proper respect, and not endanger them in the performance of their duties."

Not elaborated upon, due to it's obviousness, was that by 'respect', Himmler referred to a type of bootlicking sycophancy once reserved only for the more despotic of oriental potentates*, but now regarded as the bare minimum due to any rookie traffic cop, meter maid or court security officer. Also not mentioned, and for the same reason, was that by 'endanger', he refers to the practice of a citizen insisting on civil liberties, constitutional rights, rule of law and/or due process, all things long known to cause actual physical harm to any of our brave boys in blue who's tender ears hear of such things.

Of course, certain protected species do have some recourse. Not protected are whites, yellows and browns of all classes, ages and sex who are all fair game, and certainly blacks who are not rich are in enough abundance to warrant being the targets of what law enforcement calls the "catch and release" program. But rich blacks, such as Professor Gates, Jesse Jackson Jr., etc, are on the Federal Endangered Species list, and must be handled with more care.

This Gates is the wrong color, and thus will not receive a free beer from Obama. Neither will you, so watch your mouth.

"Well, iffn it's some smart ass cracker wants to speak about his 'rights', then a night in a cell with some big buck fag will usually cure him." said Sheriff Bufort of Arkansas. "Even if it's some Asian doctor, white executive or noo-voh rich Hispanic we can still...'administer justice'. But jeez, them rich blacks! Since they're black they're technically 'victims', but while we can (and do) generally ignore that, them rich ones got the cash to make us look bad for that! Makes the job damn hard at times. Fact is, about the only way we can do it then is to call it a mistake and hang some poor low level beat cop out to dry for it. Damn shame."

The "catch and release" policy is not without it's detractors, and the Gates controversy has emboldened some. To their detriment. "I was arrested for 'impeding an investigation' and 'obstruction of justice', when all that really happened was me saying 'stupid pig' to a stupid pig." said Melissa Gilbertson, a housewife in Indiana. "He was badgering me at my home about how my son was seen breaking a window, and wouldn't listen when I said that I only have one adopted daughter! Then he asked for my Driver's Licence, and I said I wasn't driving! When he insisted, that's when I called him what he was!"

After a night in jail with two crack whores, one with explosive diarrhea who was too sick to make it to the toilet in the 7 by 5 cell, Melissa had a better feel for the respect owed to those who serve and protect. As did the other 2,284 citizens from coast to coast who had similar experiences that night. All of whom, like Melissa, were let go without charges the next morning, and thus without any legal recourse.

Yet that number represents a 5 percent upswing from the pre-Gates period, and thus prompts the warning from Chief Himmler. "Any who think they are going to get a lot of publicity and a beer from Obama, best think twice. If you aren't a rich black playing the race card in a feeble attempt at trying to be mistaken for Dr. King, you are going to have nothing but a night of pain. Period."

Sources

• Staff "Henry Louis Gates, Jr. Police Report" The Smoking Gun, July 23, 2009

• *I have heard a similar phrase from some source, but can't remember where. So while I cannot attribute, I do not claim that phrase to be original to me. -- Clemens177