UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters/Janitors Closet/Old letters
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Why are you such a Nazi fuck? You're like Mussolini, telling everybody to shot the fuck up. I hate you. You suck. You can't tell me what to do.
A Concerned Citizen
- Dear Concerned & Stupid,
- I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument makes you look like an idiot [1]. You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags trying to pass as insightful and above the judgment of others. We're on to you, buddy. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I and other admins can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers!
- P. S. I'm the pretentious douche bag around here. Got that?
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Janitors Closet,
Why don't you just fuck off and die?
- Dear Reader,
- Why don't you?
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Janitors Closet,
Is there, or is there not a Cabal?
- Newly resurrected by the Republican National Convention
- Dear Mr Vice President,
- We're hoping for the answer to that question, once the Higgs-Boson is found.
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Janitors Closet,
What's with this dick we've heard about, comparing UnNews to The Onion? Is there more than one of them? We should kill them. We should kill them all.
- The Dog Whisperer
- Dear Mr Vice President,
- Since you are dead, I do not feel compelled to dignify your letter with a response. Being a gentleman, I will endeavor to bury my apathy in false empathy with your cause(s).
- Yes, they should all be dead. Since you've been away, there's been this wonderful fellow called Dick Cheney, who has ties to a fantastic government contractor named Halliburton. I am certain Mr. Cheney and David J. Lesar (Chairman, President & CEO) would take our contract enthusiastically, and execute it with precision, accuracy and a sneering vigor. Let's do get together for gin and tonics soon.
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Janitors Closet,
While I was mildly amused with the attempt at humor in your story, UnNews:Mass. Gov. Deval Patrick, "I will play the race card", I feel I must take issue with your reference to "stolen elections". These are serious charges, even when leveled by an obscure, low-brow entity like yourselves, and I personally am insulted by the very idea that a Massachusetts election can in some way be manipulated by anyone except authorized Communist Party Officials.
To end on a high note, your picture and caption of me were fairly funny.
- Premier of the Autonomous Federated Soviet Republic of Massachusetts
- Dear Mr Patrick,
- Don't be personally insulted by the state of affairs in your Communist motherland. It's beyond the control of one Premier. If blame is to be placed, let it be squarely on the shoulders of world Communism. After all, it is the Marxist-Leninist-Stalinist ideals perpetuated in your own Autonomous Republic which will bring you to your knees, as it did the rest of the U.S.S.R.
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Editors,
Good satire works from facts. This story did not. As an attempt at humor, it fell flat.
It simply makes light of (fictitious) kids with cancer and misstates the work of the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Not cool, friends.
I get satire. I really do. I love it, in fact. I work at the Make-A-Wish Foundation, and pound for pound we're a pretty funny bunch. Some of us are downright hilarious. Just ask us.
But when you take a story like this and try to make humor by portraying a great organization as one that is corrupt and cruel, all you do is plant erroneous seeds of doubt about our integrity in the minds of your readers, and make yourselves look contemptible.
The irony on which you are trading is erroneous. By suggesting that we get our money back if a wish recipient lives to adulthood, you advance the falsehood that the children to whom we grant wishes are terminally ill. In fact, they all have life-threatening medical conditions, but upwards of 80 percent of them live into adulthood.
If you don't understand the object of your satire -- and if your attempt at humor is built entirely upon a false assumption derived from your own lack of information -- I'm sorry, but you're just not funny.
But it gets worse: Consider this excerpt: "...Make-A-Wish - and (sic) organization that supports the death of terminally ill children, while attempting to make celebrities feel good about themselves..." What in the world is funny about that?
Good satire is fun to read, even when someone is poking fun at you or your organization. It is not fun to read this sort of trash. If you had any shame, you'd take this post down.
My guess is, it will stay posted.
Paul Allvin, Vice President of Marketing and Communications
- Make-A-Wish Foundation of America
- Dear Mr Allvin,
- Congratulations! You are the first UnNews reader to submit a coherent and legitimate complaint to editorial staff, at least since I got here in 2006.
- You probably understand that satire, and humor in general, is ultimately subjective. A reasonable person understands that sometimes, some people find some things funny which others find offensive. Such are the vagaries of human existence.
- We are amateur humorists here, Mr. Allvin. Humor (and on occasion, humour) is an experimental science. Sometimes, a joke is so awful, even the person who conceived it hates it. Still, short of your lone complaint, I have no reason to pull or edit the subject story.
- From reading your letter, I see no valid arguments. In fact, by appealing to my sense of shame, followed by the sarcastic remark, "My guess is, it will stay posted", I see no other recourse than to say to you, sir, "I know you are, but what am I?"
Cordially,
- The Editor,
Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk) I am the dirt under your rollers 02:26, May 26, 2010 (UTC)
Dear Sir or Madam:
- Regarding the story Mexican president lays out agenda for US, I like Little Felipe's immigration solution, as Mexico practices it and as he expressed it to CNN: "We send back them." If we do not send back him, we will enter an ugly era of even uglier use of English.
Cordially,
- Atlas Paul,
Snake's Hips, Kentucky
- Dear Atlas Paul,
- Thank you for your witty remark. I'll add it to the pile. This journalist concurs with your fears about the erosion of the English language at the hands (or would that be lips?) of the damned foreigners, and so, think you're smart enough to be our friend. Speaking of ugly uses for things, what's your sister doing tomorrow night?.
Sui generis,
- The Editor
Dear Editor:
- One voice that was notably missing from your recent article on BP concedes Gulf oil spill raised sea level 12 feet was that of Al Gore. I read in the legitimate press that Mr. Gore recently bought himself and Tipper a mansion on the oceanfront, which he would not have done if he really believed his own pap about human-caused global warming and the rise in sea levels. Is it too much to hope that this windbag is 11 feet, 6 inches underwater by now?
Sincerely
- Art Bell,
Pahrump, Nevada
- Dear Art Bell,
- Most of our staffers have been down with Al Gore Fatigue Syndrome since the beginning of May, making it impossible to refer to Mr. Gore without serious health risks. We apologize for this, and recommend you go screw yourself if you don't like it. Also, we take exception to your implication that UnNews is somehow not a legitimate press service. Kindly take a crushed glass enema for your delusional thinking.
Kiss-kiss,
- The Editor
Dear Self-important Uncle-fucker,
- Nobody gives a shit about your cats, or the fact that you're a pothead, or a commie, and whatever else you are. Fuck you, and everybody who looks like you. If I ever see you on the street, you'd better run. Just fuck off and die already.
Very sincerely,
- A truant, piss-ant little bastard
- Dear A truant, piss-ant little bastard,
Janitorially yours,
- The Editor