UnNews:No suspicion in death of local pol

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 June 2010

All those who saw that UnNews is open to expressions of opposing views and wondered if it applied to eulogies--you are simply ahead of your time.

The deceased Rep. Nyman, in 2009, gases up the car of his mistress en route to a tryst in the wharf district. Out of respect for this gifted public servant, we cropped out the car and then sat on the story.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Police do not suspect foul play in the death of state representative Robert Nyman (D--Hanover), even though he was found fully clothed in the swimming pool at his home.

One reason for the lack of official concern is that Nyman was an accomplished swimmer, and often swam laps wearing a full business suit. Secondly, Nyman's foes are neither sufficiently numerous nor gifted to have authored foul play. According to Plymouth County District Attorney Timothy Cruz, "There aren't enough Republicans in the House of Representatives to demand a roll call, much less push a grown man into a swimming pool. And the ones who are there can't mastermind a convincing re-election campaign. A political assassination is way beyond them."

Finally, the state legislature long ago settled all the controversial issues, such as gay marriage, a raising of the sales tax and its extension to liquor, which already had a 30% tax, and granting of in-state college tuition to illegals. There was nothing on the docket except casino gambling. House Speaker Robert A. DeLeo said, "Whenever the General Court picks winners and losers, involving a new industry created out of state-granted franchises to exactly three organizations claiming to be Native American despite long, pointy noses, it is done in an atmosphere of total, backslapping harmony."

Regarding the tendency to swim in street clothes, Mr. DeLeo added, "One attribute I encourage in the Members is to live their lives without concern for appearances and public sensibilities. Really, there is no news here."

Sources

• Colneth Smiley, Jr. "Hanover state rep pronounced dead after being found in pool" Boston Herald, June 26, 2010