UnNews:New Guinea tribesmen nuts about "fellatio fish"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

8 July 2012

Some men have become very fond, indeed, of their pacu companions.

PAPUA, NEW GUINEA – Scientists know it as “pacu,” but the natives are restless of New Guinea refer to the same marine species as the “fellatio fish.” “It's a real ball-sucker,” Jimmy Wade told Unnews reporter Lotta Lies. “Sometimes, the fish goes even further, becoming a real ball-biter.” Several of his friends, “once powerful, virile men, are now eunuchs,” Wade said, “because they—or their genitals—had the misfortune of attracting the attention of the fellatio fish.”

New Guinea tribesmen have long known of the fish, and those whose wives are reluctant to indulge their fondness for oral sex sometimes swim in the pacu-infested waters off their island nation's coast, under the ruse of diving for pearls.

In reality, Wade declared, “they're looking for fellatio fish; they want to bust a nut.”

The pacu, which has teeth surprisingly similar to those of humans, weighs up to 55 pounds, and “pound for pound,” it “gives head better than any other creature on the planet, especially the passionless wives of New Guinea tribesmen.”

For decades, tribesmen have worn bright-colored gourds over their penises to create an elongation effect, in hopes of capturing their wives' attention, but to no avail.

“Instead of passion, all the sight aroused was laughter,” Wade said. “The women thought the penis gourds their husbands' stupidest and most comical invention, ever.”

A pacu's pucker shows why it's such an incredible sucker.

Many tribesmen swim in the pacy-infested water daily, hoping to attract a temporary mate.

“They are willing to risk emasculation or death for the chance to enjoy a bit of sexual bliss,” Wade said. “Their women should be ashamed of themselves.”

“I am not ashamed,” one wife told Unnews. “My husband enjoys fellatio fish, so I got him some for his aquarium. Anytime he wants to indulge himself, all he has to do is straddle the tank and dip his wick. He doesn't even have to go off the island. As long as he leaves me alone, I could care less what he does with his precious Peaches.”

Peaches?

“That's what he's named her. I guess you could say it's his 'pet name' for his 'fishwife.'"