UnNews:Nerd gang robs store
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 August 2007
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS -- Everyday at 7 p.m., store owner Bob O'Connor tends to any last minute customers and then closes up shop. Mr. O'Connor owns a GameStop store, where for almost eleven years he has been supplying the city's gamers with great deals on the latest video games. Mr. O'Connor, a 57-year-old bald widower, had just dealt with the last customer when four masked figures burst into the store.
Here is Mr. O'Connor's first person account of the robbery in his own words: "I had just sold a customer World of Warcraft when four people walked in the store. They had ski masks over their heads to conceal their identities, though it was obvious that they were nerds, a part of a nerd gang as well. The nerds were armed with 250 volt tazers. The tallest of the group pointed his tazer at me and said in a flawless 1337 accent, '61\/3 |_|$ y0|_||2 64|\/|3$, 0|2 31$3 j00 \x/i11 637 Þ\x/|\|3|), 10$3|2!' I was terrified."
While the first gangster held up Mr. O'Connor, the other three looted the store, taking Wiis, PS3s & XBox 360s along with dozens of games for all the systems. The nerds were getting ready to clear out when one of them spotted the customer who had bought the World of Warcraft game.
"|-|4|\||) i7 0\/3|2, n00b," said the nerd. The customer, a Mr. Felix Copperfield, had just sold his home to buy the expensive game. "Never!" he cried, rather foolishly. As Mr. O'Connor watched helplessly, the nerd tazered Mr. Copperfield, who was pronounced dead, due to a stroke brought on by the jolt, at an area hospital.
Before the nerds made their exit, one of them set up rather cool hologram reading, ~*73h |-|4x0r3r$*~. Professor J. Robert Oppenheimer, an expert on nerds and nerd gangs, explains: "Spray painting their gang name at a place they've hit is too low-tech for these people. Holograms are now used to 'mark' a location as theirs."
Police traced ~*73h |-|4x0r3r$*~ to a notorious nerd cartel based in Los Angeles. Mr. O'Connor's description of the robbers are two 17-year-old white males, one of which wears glasses, an 18-year-old Asian and a 27-year-old black man, whom police detectives speculate was probably not affiliated with ~*73h |-|4x0r3r$*~, but was going to rob the store by himself. Police, when questioning Mr. Connor, asked how he knew the race of the nerds, he answered, "I knew the one was Asian because he was shorter, talked funny, and the eye holes on his ski mask were slanted." The nerds' getaway car is described as a old, rusted-over Geo, with the license plate reading T3H N3RD.
"The problem of nerd violence has skyrocketed," says police chief Hank Albertson. Over the years, nerd gangs have struck more and more frequently, mostly because of the advent of awesome games like Halo and World of Warcraft, experts say. For now, police are doing all they can to control this outbreak and bring the perps to justice.