UnNews:NHS to refuse treatment for unhealthy patients

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27 December 2006

You are doomed to queue for treatment behind good looking happy people, and will probably die long before you are seen. Alone. Unheard. Unloved.

NHS Headquarters, MRSA dispersal department -- The British Government is currently considering the policies the National Health Service has to encourage Brits to maintain a healthier lifestyle. Under the new plans, patients dripping blood in Accident and Emergency departments across the nation will have to fill out a lifestyle questionnaire detailing their average weekly exercise, diet, drinking and smoking habits. Additional optional sections such as sexual habits and addictions offer bonus points.

The reasoning behind this announcement is that people who smoke, drink and who are obese use far more of the NHS's resources than people who live like monks. A government spokesman defended the new policies.

"Wake up, people! It costs money to run the NHS! Our cost-to-benefit studies have shown us that it is the people who need the NHS who cost the most, so we want them to have to queue the longest to use it. Obviously we should be focusing our resources on healthy people, who need the NHS the least. In fact, people who refuse to use the NHS and only go private will have absolute priority over everyone. If we make unhealthy people wait longer for treatment, they'll have a higher chance of dying and so the population will slowly get healthier on average. We hate unhealthy people so much. We're thinking of introducing some sort of "fat tax", and we might make it mandatory to include extra carcinogens in cigarettes. Or maybe we'll just reclassify unhealthy people as livestock."

The spokesman also indicated that rapid questionnaire assessment is a priority, with expected turnaround to take less than two working days to complete the evaluation, with extra marks being given for spelling, punctuation, grammar, and not bleeding on the paper. It is believed that a complicated mathematical formula involving imaginary numbers, calculus, and weird symbols nobody really understands will be used to calculate the patient's position in the hierarchy.

A critic claimed that Britain is on its way to becoming a nanny state, but the government spokesman sent him straight to bed without any supper.

Sources

• "Inferior specimens: Crush for the good of the Ubermensch!" NHS Caring Review, December 27, 2006