UnNews:UK Government to ban clothes for overweight

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 December 2006

Is this your idea of a snack? If so, prepare to get naked.

Fat Fighters HQ, Houses of Parliament, London -- The Government today announced that plans were being made to tackle obesity by banning the sale of plus-sized clothes. It is believed that this will motivate lard-arses to slim down to a healthier size.

Tubbies cost the NHS an estimated £32 billion per day by breaking toilet seats and taking up five spaces at once in the waiting room benches. Diabetes, asthma, depression and falling down are on the rise as obesity league tables places the UK second only to America in terms of flabbies per square mile.

The new scheme was announced today to a surprised nation by a team of Government spokesmen, none of whom were above the threshold size and, therefore, not naked. They explained the rationale behind the announcement.

"Surely everyone can see that the only reason fat people can get away with this lifestyle choice is because they can hide their bloated, wobbly, pasty bodies under layers of slimming and shaping clothes. These fatbuckets aren't getting enough exercise. Hauling their chubby bodies between the kitchen, toilet and sofa doesn't count. If we force them to parade around naked and endure the ridicule of normal people they will soon ditch the flab."

Critics have said that they don't want to look at great big naked quivering butts. There is a strong sentiment to change this policy to enforce compulsory nudity for good-looking people, particularly really hot women.

Plans for further development of the new laws are still being kept under wraps, but unofficial sources insist that a law for compulsory plastic surgery for the ugly is "coming soon".

Sources

• "NHS drowning in lard" Bee-keeping Weekly, December 15 2006