UnNews:Military seeks to accommodate all religious faiths

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

15 November 2009

Uncle Anton wants you!

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- Newly-resurrected Church of Satan founder Anton LaVey announced this morning that he will actively assist the Pentagon in bolstering recruitments in the armed forces.

Says General Sidney Calumet of the Pentagons office of recruitment, "It's not unusual that we'd ask for the help of a religious figure in the defense of our country. Since his return from Hell, Mr. LeVey has become the go-to man for Satanists of all stripes."

Historically, the United States has been happy to push the idea of , "Service to God and country". "The Army's gotten it's fair share of cannon fodder from appealing to the religious side of the average American," says, Colonel Pugnas DeSantos of the Army Recruitment Headquarters in Fort Benning, Georgia. "Atheists and agnostics are not so pliable, but there's nothing wrong with having a devoted minion of Satan doing our dirty work in Iraq, now, is there?"

LeVey was exhumed on November 4, 2009, in a ceremony inspired by Satan himself. He told UnNews, "The Dark Lord himself commanded me to arise and serve. Who am I to disagree?"

Washingtons biggest difficulty lies in finding enough Chaplains to serve the growing military Satanist community.

Sources

• Alphonse Catalepsy "US government recruits Satan" San Francisco Chronicle, November 15, 2009