UnNews:McCain pledges to 'reach out to the Gaysian community'
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 October 2008
WASHINGTON, Day Effay, GNN (Goanna News Network). Republican presidential candidate John McCain today promised to "reach out to the Gaysian community", a group of voters that he alleges have been neglected by the Democratic party.
"Not once in this entire campaign have I heard Barack Obama mention the word 'fabulous', and that just illustrates how out of touch he is with the gay Asian community," Senator McCain told a conference of the Young Gay Asian Republican Movement in Washington.
"I stand for three fabulous things first and foremost: fabulous clothes, fabulous interior design and fabulous little dogs wearing adorable little scarves and shoes. Does Senator Obama have any interest in these fabulous things? I don't think so."
Senator McCain accused the Obama campaign of displaying "a truly frightening lack of fabulosity".
"Now I can't even accuse Senator Obama of flip-flopping on fabulosity because he has never taken a position on it. I don't even think the words 'fab', 'fabbo' and 'fabalicious' are in his vocabulary."
Senator McCain drew on his long experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam in an effort to connect with gay Asian voters.
"As you all know, I have spent several years actually living among the Asian community 24/7, so I know the kinds of issues that affect gay Asian voters -- real issues like whether or not Cher will have a concert tour this year.
"Whether you're a top or a bottom, whether you like egg roll or steamed dumplings -- even if you're half rice and half chips -- I will be the most fabulous president you have ever had."
McCain's revelation that he would appoint Queer Eye for the Straight Guy host Carson Kressley to a new cabinet post as Secretary of State for Fabulosity drew a mixed reception.
A Young Gay Asian Republican delegate named Lloyd said, "McCain is just window dressing, honey. He's trying on the Asian frock, but when it comes to the crunch he just appoints yet another white fag -- as if the Republican party doesn't have enough of those already! Oh darling, living in this town I could tell you some stories!"
Lloyd, however, was more upbeat about McCain's promise to have the Oval Office updated by Project Runway style guru Tim Gunn in a reality TV show provisionally titled Pink Eye for the White House.
"The first thing that has to go is all those dreadul old paintings," Lloyd said. "Beards might be OK in a leather bar, but we're not all bears here, honey!"