UnNews:Marijuana Legalized in Florida for Even-Numbered addresses
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 November 2009
MIAMI, Florida -- Florida voters narrowly passed a law on Tuesday to legalize marijuana for even-numbered addresses in the state. The "Yes" vote goes into effect immediately, due to a Solomon-like decision by Florida Supreme Court Justice, Nancy Solomon, soon after the vote became official.
"We welcome this vote," President Barack Obama said in a joint statement with Florida Governor Charlie Crist, "and, if you live in even-numbered addresses, enjoy, inhale, and expect a visit from us soon. The laws surrounding this non-addictive and spiritually uplifting substance and its related victimless crime have now been rendered moot for you and your family. If you live in odd-numbered addresses and are using marijuana, Federal and State task forces, police departments, and Florida's Highway Patrol will track you down and arrest you. This gateway drug will not be allowed in these residences, the law will be strictly upheld, and we are ordering an immediate sweep of the homes of suspected offenders."
As soon as Judge Solomon's ruling became final, hundreds-of-thousands of residents of even-numbered homes burst out in spontaneous cheers, and the ceremonial first tokes lit up front porches across the state. Neighbors across the street from these homes stood silent, some angry, others dejected. As the parties lasted well into the early morning hours, and as the state and federal police crackdown took place just across the street from these parties, the combined sounds of light-hearted laughter, celebratory music, and the futile cries and screams of outraged citizens maced in their own homes mixed to form an eerie but compelling symphony.
Florida Real Estate prices soared as even-number addressed home prices have doubled in the past week, when it became apparent that the Issue would pass. Odd-numbered home prices, on the other hand, have decreased by 33% in the same time period. Experts expect this trend to continue, and also expect sales increases at local "Head Shops", bakeries, and guitar stores.
