UnNews:Man sues Sun

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28 June 2008

Earl trying to read what he believes to be a law book.

ATLANTA, Georgia - Today, a local resident by the name of Earl Chunky filed a lawsuit against the Sun. He claims the Sun has caused serious damage to his eyes by forcing him stare at the it for an extended amount of time.

"The Sun," Earl says, "forced me to stare it at for three hours on June 21, the first day of Summer. It told me it'd tell me the secret of life if I did."

Since no lawyer will represent him, not to mention the fact that he is far too poor to ever afford any sort of legal representation, Earl has hired himself to be his attorney.

"My client demands $12.6 billion to pay for a VERY expensive laser eye surgery," says Earl. "Not only that but he is also demanding an addition $3.5 billion for public humiliation. Not to mention how much in legal fees he'll owe me for representing him in court."

The judge in the case, Cousin Willy Moonshine, said, off the record, that, "This is Georgia. There's a good chance this idiot could actually WIN this. People here are dumb. I mean, just look at our names! Do you really think we should be able to vote?!? Hell, somehow I became the judge! That should tell you something! I'm fucking dumb. I mean, I'm REALLY fucking dumb. God boy! I'm stupid... Where's my meth!?!"

This isn't his first act of stupidity involving the legal system. In early last year, after filing a number of unsuccessful lawsuits against the Georgia prison system for not giving the inmates chicken soup every Friday, Earl sued himself. He claimed his civil rights and religious beliefs had been violated when he was rejected by 21 girls at his high school. After all, it was this rejection that created his cycle of criminal activities and depression. He demanded $7 million from himself. However, since he has never held any sort of employment, he felt the state should pay. That case is expected to go to trial sometime in late-August.

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