UnNews:Libyan rebels complete Obama's brackets
|
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
30 March 2011
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Obama went before national TV Monday night to explain why he believes the Libyan rebels will go all the way in the hastily-arranged tournament some are calling "March Madness."
Mr. Obama, looking tanned and fit after a recent evening with Brazilian children playing a ball game they refer to as favelas, explained that the United States faced a humanitarian catastrophe (unlike, say, in Rwanda or Darfur) and was uniquely situated to react (unlike, say, in Cuba).
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said the U.S. has absolutely no opinion about what type of government should come next in Libya. "That will be up to the Libyan people." Her hands were still sticky from the duct tape she used on Defense Secretary Robert Gates during a joint appearance on a talk show the day before, after the latter volunteered that the United States "has no vital interests there."
Mr. Obama, consistent with the "new era of civility" following the Tucson, Arizona gun massacre, refused to use inflammatory terms such as "war" or "killing," preferring more delicate terms such as "kinetic, scope-limited military action," which paints a hopeful picture of American troops moving (but just a little)--a refreshing contrast to recent, non-kinetic invasions in which the troops didn't move at all--though "no boots will touch the ground."
In the nationwide address aired at 4:30 p.m. PDT, ensuring that Californians could view in large numbers using the TV in the employee lunch-room--unless they were watching the network that went with Dancing with the Stars--Mr. Obama deflected charges that his pick in the Libyan conflict included large numbers of Al-Qaeda terrorists, something about which even top American officials are getting a "glimmer." "Yeah, they've got a couple of prospects," said Mr. Obama. "But those rookies are in the backfield on the second team. I wouldn't worry about them."
Besides, the President stressed, the United States this week will hand over command, from the American Chiefs of Staff to the American NATO Supreme Commander. "Yeah, we're outta there," Mr. Obama said.
The opposition was curiously silent. Speaker John Boehner, who recently boasted to Larry Kudlow that, "If Democrats won't take the whole loaf, we'll feed it to them one slice at a time," had no comment on a foreign military operation that is eating up most of the budget savings he thought he had force-fed his opponents. An unnamed aide, however, saw fit to paraphrase Bachman-Turner Overdrive. "Any war is good war, so I took what I could get," he sang.
Likewise, Cindy Sheehan, Code Pink, and Doctors without Borders were all curiously silent, and there were no peace protests anywhere. And Russia and China both declined to use their veto at the United Nations. "If the U.S. wishes to become bogged down in a third Muslim country--or even a fourth--we would not want our vote to be an obstacle," said Russian U.N. ambassador Vitaly Churkin, before breaking into a fit of uncontrollable giggling.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Calvin Woodward and Richard Lardner "FACT CHECK: How Obama's Libya claims fit the facts" Associated Press, March 28, 2011