UnNews:Liberal-NDP coalition is dead, Michael Ignatieff joins Tories
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 January 2009
Ottawa, Ontario (UnNews) - Any hope of a Liberal-New Democratic Alliance saving Canada from economic ruin and Bush-style fascism was thwarted today when Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff publically professed his love for Prime Minister Stephen Harper and vowed to merge his Liberal party with the governing Tories. Ignatieff, who took over the Liberal reins of power only two months ago, announced that the Liberal party is now officially dissolved and that all of his caucus must now sit as Tories. Anyone who defects to the NDP or who wishes to sit as an Independent will be shot on site.
The coalition was formed in October when NDP leader and computer software salesmen Jack Layton met with Quebec Liberation Army leader Gilles Duceppe and former Liberal leader Stephane Dion. The three crafted the agreement while meeting at Duceppe's mansion outside of Quebec City. While Duceppe did not formally join the coalition himself he promised to give Layton and Dion military and logistical support if Harper failed to step down from power.
The reason the other three political parties decided to form a coalition was because of the huge unpopularity of the Harper budget and his conservative/fascist agenda. Harper, who failed to win a majority in the October election, decided to govern as a majority anyways. His budget included a huge deficit, massive subsities and tax cuts for rich corporations, and cuts to housing, healthcare, and education. It was extremely unpopular with the Canadian public and led to the formation of the coalition.
Everything looked set to go before old slick Steve seduced the Governor-General and forced her to prorogue parliament until the end of January. Harper broke into the Governor General's home sometime before Christmas, handcuffed her to her bed, and performed unspeakable acts on her. Rather than be repulsed though, the Governor-General enjoyed the special attention she was receiving from the Prime Minister. The PM allegedly brought her to climax over 10 times. Because of his superior cunnilinguistic skills the PM was able to convince the GG to stall parliament for at least a month so he would have enough time to take out one of the leaders of the coalition.
Shortly after, Liberal leader Stephane Dion, was assassinated in Montreal while attending a Canadiens game. No one has been charged in the crime but several sources point to Prime Minister Harper as being involved. Dion, the older brother of singer Celine Dion, was heading to the concession stand for some refreshments when he was shot at point blank range with a 12 gauge shotgun. Arena security were unable to apprehend the gunman (or were told not to). After Dion's death, Michael Ignatieff, assumed power over the Liberals. One of the most conservative members of the party, there were many doubts that the coalition would survive under his rule. Those doubts were proven even further when Ignatieff was seen having dinner with Harper at an upscale Ottawa restaurant earlier in the week. Michael Ignatieff has been a vocal supporter of the War in Afghanistan and has also encouraged Harper and Canada to enter Iraq as well. Ignatieff, like Harper, was also a vocal supporter of John McCain who failed to retain the White House for the Republicans. While most people expected the coalition to fail, there was still shock and surprise when Ignatieff dissolved his party and joined the Tories.
Several MPs have been shot already for trying to defect to the NDP and two remain in jail on charges of treason. The other two leaders of the coalition Layton and Duceppe have appealed to US President Barack Obama for military aid and assistance in overthrowing the Harper-Ignatieff government. While Obama condemned Harper for his brutal actions and harsh policies, he informed Layton and Duceppe that he has enough problems in his own country right now and can offer nothing but his support. Layton was reported to have said "Well what in the fuck is that supposed to do for us". Obama is currently dealing with an insurrection in the South from both the KKK and the Republican Party. He is also dealing with an economic crisis worse than the Great Depression and is attempting to remove troops from Iraq after the previous ruler invaded that country. His nation is also at war with the Taliban in Afghanistan. They were believed to be responsible for the 9/11 attacks but several sources indicate that former President Bush, a key Harper ally, may have had a role in planning them.
Meanwhile back home, Harper and Ignatieff have announced their plans to wed. Harper is leaving his wife to start a new life with Ignatieff. Both men have also declared Gilles Duceppe and Jack Layton enemies of the state. They have cut off all funding to opposition parties and have banned them from sitting in parliament. Anyone caught associating with an opposition party will be either jailed or killed. Plans to invade Greenland are also allegedly in the works. While fascism has just ended in America, it is looking like it is just beginning here in Canada.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Stephen Harper and Michael Ignatieff "Liberal-NDP coalition shot dead on site" How to ruin a country in 30 days, January 28, 2009