UnNews:Lawless Lucy Lawless arrested for being lawless
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
14 June 2012
WELLINGTON, NEW ZEALAND – Confusing her real-life identity with that of her best-known role as Xena: Warrior Princess, lawless, out-of-work actress Lucy Lawless recently lived up to her last name. “As an Amazon, I believe in anarchy,” she declared, “and I will fight for what I believe in,” backing up her claim by single-highhandedly interfering with maritime commerce in her homeland as she prevented a ship from leaving Old New Zealand's harbor.
“I have no regrets,” Lawless said. “I simply asked myself, 'What would Jesus Xena do?' and I had my answer: storm the ship. I hope I encourage others to do the same.”
The ship is outfitted with an oil-drilling rig, “and it was going to extract dinosaur remains from the sea,” the one-time actress said. Decayed dinosaurs are the source, she believes, of “fossil fuels.”
“The dead,” she said, “should be allowed to rest in peace, no matter how long ago they may have died.” It is “scandalous,” she declared, “for Big Oil to refine dead dinosaurs just so we can get around faster.” The has-been actress recommends that, “instead of trains, planes, and automobiles, we should use a little foot leather pleather, the way Xena does.”
In February, “for Valentine's Day,” Lawless joined six other Greenpeace freaks activists, perching atop the ship's 174-foot tower, where she camped out and blogged about her experience. “It was a hoot!” she tweeted.
Her presence aboard the ship—or aboard its tower, at any rate—prevented the vessel from undertaking its mission, which was to explore the possibilities of recovering crude oil in Alaska. “Up there, they club baby seals to death and elect people like Sarah Palin as their representatives; they won't hesitate to desecrate dinosaurs' final resting places,” Lawless observed.
She and her fellow Greenpeace troublemakers activists pleaded guilty to charges of unlawfully being on a ship. “I admit it; I was a stowaway,” Lawless declared, “and I'm proud of it.”
If she is not let off, Lawless could face three years of imprisonment. “I'm not afraid,” the troubled actress said. “I won't do any more time than Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton has. I'm a celebrity, sort of, and being famous is like having a Get-Out-of-Jail-Free card—well, unless you're O. J. Simpson.”
Even if she is convicted and sentenced to jail, “It's worth it to save the dinosaurs,” she said, “or what remains of them.”
Shell Oil Company, who had leased the ship, claimed that “No dinosaurs are harmed in the acquisition and refinement of petroleum products: hello, they're already dead.”