UnNews:Keith Richards outlines Darfur peace plans

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 August 2006

Humanitarian, philanthropist, and Nobel Lariat Keith Richards decom-posing for a portrait shortly before his knighting.

POSSOM GIBLET, Georgia, US -- Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has urged the Security Council to "do sumfin' good fo' them Sudanese blokes, bring in summo' peacekeepas, and get them Muhajadings or whatever they's callled te stop killing folks." Mr. Richards' three options for the UN, with Sudan's approval, would "bring sum bloody peace to these coco chums." One charity concert scheme would involve 18,600 American and U.K. rock bands, making it the world's most happenin' love-in since Woodstock, which the Stones missed.

However, Sudanese President Omar el-Bashir has vowed to never allow a rock band into Darfur, much less 18,600 of them. The Stones cannot hold their show without the government's consent.

"Securin' the consent of the gummint o' Sudan'll require a whole lotta whiskey, for me and the rest of the Stones, as well as by the United Nations," Mr. Richards said after his fourteenth pint of Jack Daniel's. "No effort should be spared to send the simple, powerful message: the Stones' involvement will increase the chances of peace and love takin' root in Darfur, strengthen our public image after that bollocks show in the Super Bowl last January, give these chums a good place to party, and most of all, bring the people of Biafra or wherever the hell we're doin' this some bitchin' rock n' roll!" Richards went on to mutter incomprehensibly for a few minutes, then dropped his gob into his soup.

Bandmate Mick Jagger warned that the window of opportunity created by the Darfur peace agreement signed in May would be lost if there was no extra effort to implement it on the ground (but not in those words). The current number of rock bands in Sudan's war-torn west is 21, even lower than that of prudish Utah.

Some two million people have fled their homes in Darfur since conflict began in 2003, and tens of thousands of people are reported to have been killed in ongoing violence. When informed of this, Jagger replied "It's kinda like that whole Bangladesh thing George Harrison was always whinin' about," and consumed a record twenty-fifth shot of vodka, then promptly also dropped his gob into his meal.

Sources

• Ariel Sharon "Richards more drunk than Jagger, sources claim" BBC, August 2, 2006

• Some idiot who hasn't heard the Beatles "Rolling Stones are the Best Band on Earth" Rolling Stones, August 1, 2005