UnNews:Justice! Kwai Chang Caine caught!

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4 June 2009

Enhanced ultra-hi fidelity audio track!

So called peaceful monk! Pah! He snatched his last pebble, and it is time for him to go! For good!

BEIJING, China -- In a crime 12 decades in the solving, the killer of Our Beloved Emperor's nephew was justly dealt with yesterday, when Kwai Chang Caine was caught and killed at a hotel in Thailand. It is believed that this killer, who had unrepentantly evaded justice for over a century, was in Bangkok for the same reason any over aged man is in Bangkok. The ladyboys.

Thailand has worked closely with Interpol and our own authorities for decades, and when they saw the man who single-handedly tamed the American Wild West come in, they knew they had more trouble then they cared to handle. After all, it's been very rocky there politically.

Placing the call to Beijing, government officials knew that this would be out of even their league. So swallowing pride, for the good of China, they put in the call to the one man who could stop him. Inspector Jackie Chan, Hong Kong Police Department. "Thank God the Brits gave that island back! I shudder to think how we'd have handled Caine without Inspector Chan's abilities!" said a highly placed government source.

Chan wasted no time, and decided that Kwai Chang Caine would not be one to play with. "I knew I'd have to kill him fast, and not give him time for his typical warm up. Actually, a perverse part of me wanted to tell him, 'we don't serve yer kind in here, Chinaman!' when I saw him at the hotel bar drinking his water, but from having read his histories, I knew that was a sure fire way for me and everyone else to be thrown through the front windows. Whatever else you can say about him, he sure loved drinking water in a bar.", Chan related. "No, I waited till he was done with the water, and then followed him upstairs. As he entered his room, he seemed to sense me coming up behind him, but he turned around too slowly, and I used the Finger of Death on him."

After Caine's heart exploded, Chan hung him up, knowing that Western authorities would draw the obvious conclusion. "A washed up has been was found dead in the perverse sex capitol of the world - the Americans will leave it at that! Hell, at this point in Caine's career, why wouldn't it have been a suicide? Heck, if I'd waited another day, he probably would have done it for me!", said Chan. Chan did take Caine's flute, a magical relic that has only been known to play one song, over and over and over. "I busted it up good. So it should be over. But if I hear any crap about 'grandson of Caine' there's going to be plenty of more hangings - in Hollywood!"

It is believed that the stain upon the honor of the Emperor was the reason that china embraced communism. With the honor of the Imperial Line now restored, it is believed that free elections and re-instatement of a constitutional monarchy will occur.

Sources

• Staff "Actor David Carradine found dead in Bangkok" Associated Press, June 4, 2009