UnNews:Jeff Zucker declares himself real news
Sunday, March 24, 2019
NEW YORK, NY - In CNN headquarters last Saturday... Jeff Zucker, CEO of CNN has declared himself that he is real news. Defying what the CNN advertising campaign and many aspects of reality have promoted.
Jeff Zucker arrived in a royal cape wearing a crown made from gold, walking with a fancy stick with a 24K diamond on top of it. He was followed by 2 servants who he named "Desperate" and "Suck Up", which cleaned up any mess he left behind.
He spoke on the podium for hours about how he was more factual than an Apple and from there on out, talked about how he was the most important person in the world.
| “ | For the longest time, I have been ridiculed in the industry for the death of NBC. They mocked me for somehow losing Conan to TBS, they mocked me for taking a 1st place network and making it a last place network, they even mocked me for putting Jay Leno on at 10 o'clock. Look at where I am now, I am sitting on the throne thanks to the powers that be at AT&T. With the power they've given to me, I decree that I am real news! The Apple is no longer an Apple, it is now Jeff Zucker. CNN is no longer CNN, it's ZNN! and it shall report 24/7 on things that matter to me and only me! You are now all my minions, praise be given to AT&T! | ” |
With this declaration, Jeff Zucker becomes one of the few people with maniacal egos, power and a tendency to destroy everything they touch alongside Donald Trump, who somehow found a way to counter back on Twitter.
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| .@JeffZucker thinks he can beat me. Leme tell you somethin' mister, I am realer news than you are. While other channels calls me "fake news, @FoxNews would call me realer news. You are nothing more than fake news mr zuckorberg. | ||||
| 2:10 AM - 24 March 2019 | ||||
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Within hours, whatever integrity that remained at CNN had been stripped and replace with talking heads promoting how both Trump is bad and how we shouldn't go too far to the left to the point where multimillionaire CEO's like Jeff Zucker will suffer. A memorial for CNN was held outside of what used to be it's Atlanta headquarters, with almost everybody concluding that this was no surprise considering the rate of decline for cable news networks.